Monday, September 12, 2005
News in a nutshell: Sept. 5-11
Sound smart
Out of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, there have been many -- too many -- horrific tales, but there have also been moving and uplifting moments. And, of course, there have been some absurd moments. I share with you just a few of those:
1) Anything that had to do with a celebrity and how he/she felt about the disaster. I'm glad so many of them are donating and helping out with relief efforts, but why on Earth do I care how Celine Dion or Oprah feels about what happened? Seriously, people, the worshipping has gone too far...
2) President Bush said: "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." Which would be true if you didn't take into account every major media outlet and expert on the subject. Which is why maybe it would be nice to have a leader who reads the frickin' newspaper.
3) When FEMA and White House officials were criticized for their response to the hurricane, they quickly chastised others for playing "the blame game" ... before pointing their fingers at the city and state governments. They also quickly added: "No tag-backs."
4) Finally, my personal favorite. When looting and chaos was rampant in New Orleans during the days after the hurricane struck and before help arrived, FEMA Director Michael Brown did not attribute the violence to the lack of security, desperation or myriad other factors. No, he placed the blame squarely where it belonged:
On video games.
"Some of these kids think this is a game," he said. "They somehow got their hands on a weapon. They think they are playing 'Pacman' or something and shooting at people. Those kinds of hot spots will continue, but I can tell you they will learn very quickly the 82nd Airborne does not like to be shot at. This is not a game."
PACMAN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
THAT's what you're gonna go with? Not even "Grand Theft Auto"? I'm sorry, but if the day comes that we see rotund people running amok in the streets eating pellets and popping steroid pills before chasing guys named Blinky, Pinky, Inkey and Clyde, THEN we can blame "Pacman." But this?!?
Just sit down and be quiet, dude.
Check out an interesting analysis on the relief efforts and some of what went wrong at every level.
Sorry to say
Jerry Rice (the San Francisco treat) retired Monday after 20 seasons in the NFL. The receiver, who holds 38 NFL records, spent most of his time with the San Francisco 49ers, before playing for Oakland and Seattle, and then joining the Denver Broncos. He was one of football's greatest players, and I not only tip my hat to him, but I'm willing to incur the 15-yard penalty for excessively celebrating his career.
Bob Denver, best known as Gilligan of "Gilligan's Island" and Maynard G. Krebs of "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis," has died. He will be cremated and his ashes scattered at sea during a three-hour tour. A three-hour tour...
What the ...?!?
As if the monkeys overrunning Puerto Rico on their way to Las Vegas weren't enough, our fight against the primates just got tougher with the discovery that chimps are able to detect and destroy traps.
Humanity is so screwed.
It ends up that George Washington, in his younger days, was probably quite a hottie. This discovery was made during the creation of a statue of Washington when he was 19 that will eventually be on display at Mount Vernon. I think this could lead to a host of marketing possibilities. For instance, Washington action figures with cherry-tree-chopping action.*
*Cherry tree sold separately.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Batting 1000
I had today off of work and pretty much did nothing that resembled work or chores, except a quick trip to the grocery store. First, I went to the batting cage where, having learned from my past mistakes, I was careful to observe which speed I was selecting.
I started out with some slow softballs. No problem.
After a couple of rounds, I switched over to the medium-speed baseballs. The change in speed and from softballs to baseball took some adjustment, but I started to hit my groove.
But then the balls kept coming.
And coming.
I started to think, "Gee, this round sure is going a long time."
Then it became clear that the machine was stuck in the on position.
I kept hitting, partly because I wanted to see if it would ever stop, partly because, hey, free rounds of baseball! (I was the only one at the batting cages.) But after awhile, I started wearing down. I was just half-heartedly swinging, barely even trying to make contact. It was more a battle of will than anything just because I like to see things through.
But eventually, I had to concede to the machien and walked out of the cage, dragging my bat from exhaustion.
From there, I went to the accompanying driving range. Now, I've never actually played golf. I went to the driving range several times in high school for one gym class I took (OK, I took it twice -- it involved bowling, too). I also play a fierce game of mingolf, and I've driven a golf cart around a course before. But that's it.
I was also using the range's crappy club -- a 3 iron that was too short, I think. So it wasn't a huge surprise when my first shot sort of bounced off the tee and down onto the grass.
Second shot: A total whiff.
But eventually, I inconsistently got the hang of it. I hit some that were in the 140-150 range. (I assume it was measured in feet, but it didn't say for sure.) And I whiffed on several others. One I barely touched and it rolled off the tee as if blown over by the breeze. Several I banked off the divider right next to me.
It's a good thing nobody was too close to me or, I hope, watching.
Anyhow, after beginning my quest for one of those stylish green jackets, I headed to a park called, I kid you not, Mount Trashmore.
It is, in fact, a giant landfill that has been covered over and turned into a park and accompanying lake with trails. And it's not nearly as disgusting as you would think it would be. It's kind of nice except that it's sandwiched between an interstate and a major thoroughfare, so the serenity leaves a little to be desired, but it's still a nice hill and lake and, judging by the other people there, a good place to fly kites.
After last week's feast, I decided to forgo the cooking and just got pizza and a movie ("Monster," which was ... eh).
All in all, not a bad day.
I started out with some slow softballs. No problem.
After a couple of rounds, I switched over to the medium-speed baseballs. The change in speed and from softballs to baseball took some adjustment, but I started to hit my groove.
But then the balls kept coming.
And coming.
I started to think, "Gee, this round sure is going a long time."
Then it became clear that the machine was stuck in the on position.
I kept hitting, partly because I wanted to see if it would ever stop, partly because, hey, free rounds of baseball! (I was the only one at the batting cages.) But after awhile, I started wearing down. I was just half-heartedly swinging, barely even trying to make contact. It was more a battle of will than anything just because I like to see things through.
But eventually, I had to concede to the machien and walked out of the cage, dragging my bat from exhaustion.
From there, I went to the accompanying driving range. Now, I've never actually played golf. I went to the driving range several times in high school for one gym class I took (OK, I took it twice -- it involved bowling, too). I also play a fierce game of mingolf, and I've driven a golf cart around a course before. But that's it.
I was also using the range's crappy club -- a 3 iron that was too short, I think. So it wasn't a huge surprise when my first shot sort of bounced off the tee and down onto the grass.
Second shot: A total whiff.
But eventually, I inconsistently got the hang of it. I hit some that were in the 140-150 range. (I assume it was measured in feet, but it didn't say for sure.) And I whiffed on several others. One I barely touched and it rolled off the tee as if blown over by the breeze. Several I banked off the divider right next to me.
It's a good thing nobody was too close to me or, I hope, watching.
Anyhow, after beginning my quest for one of those stylish green jackets, I headed to a park called, I kid you not, Mount Trashmore.
It is, in fact, a giant landfill that has been covered over and turned into a park and accompanying lake with trails. And it's not nearly as disgusting as you would think it would be. It's kind of nice except that it's sandwiched between an interstate and a major thoroughfare, so the serenity leaves a little to be desired, but it's still a nice hill and lake and, judging by the other people there, a good place to fly kites.
After last week's feast, I decided to forgo the cooking and just got pizza and a movie ("Monster," which was ... eh).
All in all, not a bad day.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Follow-up
Knowing that at some points even police were being turned back from angry crowds and some were turning in their badges because of the situation in New Orleans, and that rescue workers were sometimes being shot at, and the extensive damage cut off most, if not all, routes into many areas destroyed by Katrina, I'm trying not to be too quick to assign blame. But it's clear that relief efforts did not go as they should have and tough questions will have to be answered at some point.
I thought the most moving example of the needless deaths was given by Aaron Broussard, president of Jefferson Parish, who spoke Sunday on NBC's "Meet the Press" about the elderly mother of a city employee trapped in a nursing home and waiting for rescue:
"Every day she called him and said, 'Are you coming, son? Is somebody coming?' And he said, 'Yeah, Mama, somebody's coming to get you.' 'Somebody's coming to get you on Tuesday.' 'Somebody's coming to get you on Wednesday.' 'Somebody's coming to get you on Thursday.' 'Somebody's coming to get you on Friday.' And she drowned Friday night. And she drowned Friday night." At that point, he broke into uncontrollable sobs. He later said, "It's not just Katrina that caused all these deaths in New Orleans here. Bureaucracy has committed murder here in the greater New Orleans area."
A clip of the interview, which has other shocking examples of refused aid, is up on iFilm, as is an emotional and angry segment on Fox News by, surprisingly, Geraldo Rivera and Shepard Smith, who seem completely baffled and distressed by the conditions that people are in almost a week after the hurricane hit.
Incidentally, for those that argue there was no way to see this sort of thing coming, the Times Picayune did a series (up on their Web site) three years ago about the sort of catastrophe a a major hurricane could cause. It is eerily prescient now.
In closing, I thought this was an interesting opinion piece about the relief efforts and the media.
I thought the most moving example of the needless deaths was given by Aaron Broussard, president of Jefferson Parish, who spoke Sunday on NBC's "Meet the Press" about the elderly mother of a city employee trapped in a nursing home and waiting for rescue:
"Every day she called him and said, 'Are you coming, son? Is somebody coming?' And he said, 'Yeah, Mama, somebody's coming to get you.' 'Somebody's coming to get you on Tuesday.' 'Somebody's coming to get you on Wednesday.' 'Somebody's coming to get you on Thursday.' 'Somebody's coming to get you on Friday.' And she drowned Friday night. And she drowned Friday night." At that point, he broke into uncontrollable sobs. He later said, "It's not just Katrina that caused all these deaths in New Orleans here. Bureaucracy has committed murder here in the greater New Orleans area."
A clip of the interview, which has other shocking examples of refused aid, is up on iFilm, as is an emotional and angry segment on Fox News by, surprisingly, Geraldo Rivera and Shepard Smith, who seem completely baffled and distressed by the conditions that people are in almost a week after the hurricane hit.
Incidentally, for those that argue there was no way to see this sort of thing coming, the Times Picayune did a series (up on their Web site) three years ago about the sort of catastrophe a a major hurricane could cause. It is eerily prescient now.
In closing, I thought this was an interesting opinion piece about the relief efforts and the media.
News in a nutshell: Aug. 29-Sept. 4
Sound smart
Well, obviously the biggest news of the week was the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina. If for some reason you didn't already know, the quick version of events is this:
Hurricane Katrina made landfall early last Monday, veering east at the last minute and sparing New Orleans a direct hit. However, that was of little comfort the next day when a few of the levees broke and 80 percent of New Orleans became submerged in water, up to 20 feet deep in places. One-third of New Orleans residents live in poverty; the same amount don't own cars. So many were unable to evacuate the city. Thousands fled to the Superdome or the convention center and endured days of squalid conditions. Others took refuge in their houses -- a fatal decision for many. Many were rescued from rooftops. Because of the extensive damage and flooding, among other reasons, the aid and rescue was slow to come. Lawlessness and anarchy reigned for among the desperate survivors, with looting and violence rampant. Soldiers and help have since begun to arrive and tens of thousands of people have been evacuated from the city to other areas of the country. It will be months before the water is drained, the power restored and the city is even close to being habitable. It will be years before it is rebuilt. Rescuers spent most of the week pushing aside the dead bodies in the water in their search for survivors, so the death toll is unknown. But is expected to be in the thousands and some officials have said as high as 10,000. Communities in Mississippi were especially hit hard as well, especially around Gulfport -- some towns were completely destroyed. The entire Gulf Coast is in shambles. Katrina will most likely be the costliest hurricane on record. Hundreds of thousands of people have nowhere to go -- they've lost their homes, their jobs, their possessions, everything but the clothes they were wearing and any meager items they might have taken with them when they left. They have nothing but an uncertain future.
For those interested in helping, the Red Cross is the main organization taking donations, but there are many other ways to help. Wired News has compiled a list of hurricane-related links. The ladies over at Fug have amassed an extensive list of relief organizations and also stores where you can shop to help out the survivors. I suggest checking out your local media outlets for local opportunities to help. This will be especially needed as the displaced are transferred to various cities around the country.
For more information, the Times Picayune's Web site has photo galleries, stories, info on areas and missing people, and host of other things.
In other important but also sad news, in Baghdad, Iraq, on Wednesday, 950 people -- mostly women and children -- died in a stampede after rumors of a suicide bomber spread through a procession of Shiite pilgrims.
Also, United States Chief Justice William Rehnquist died Saturday night at the age of 80. He had served on the Supreme Court for 33 years. President Bush has nominated John Roberts, who had been tapped for Sandra Day O'Connor's associate justice position, to become the new chief justice. Confirmation hearings will be held in the next week or so.
It should be noted that Pat Robertson, not that along ago, prayed for more openings on the Supreme Court. I would officially like to apologize for making fun of him last week and say, "Mr. Robertson, please don't have God smite me, too."
And that was pretty much the week. I wish had funny, crazy news or good news. Hell, I wish I had something boring. All I can say is: sorry.
Here's hoping this week is better.
Monday, September 05, 2005
The Bachelor Bakes, Part II: Back in the Kitchen
"This time, it's personal."
You may recall my failed attempt at the chocolate and cherry cookies a couple of weeks ago. Well, this afternoon I decided to give it another go. I used chocolate chips instead of way too much of the wrong kind of chocolate. And I was careful to make what I thought were 1-inch balls of dough for the cookies. But apparently my default setting for cookies really is ginormous, and I still ended up with half as many balls of dough as I was supposed to have. So I begrudgingly cut them in half and made smaller cookies.
See, sometimes I can exhibit self-control and learn from my mistakes.
This time, the cookies turned out excellent, if I do say so myself.
As a bonus, I had some left over cherries and left over frosting, so I created my own chocolate-covered cherries. Mmmmm....
Score one for perseverance in the kitchen!
You may recall my failed attempt at the chocolate and cherry cookies a couple of weeks ago. Well, this afternoon I decided to give it another go. I used chocolate chips instead of way too much of the wrong kind of chocolate. And I was careful to make what I thought were 1-inch balls of dough for the cookies. But apparently my default setting for cookies really is ginormous, and I still ended up with half as many balls of dough as I was supposed to have. So I begrudgingly cut them in half and made smaller cookies.
See, sometimes I can exhibit self-control and learn from my mistakes.
This time, the cookies turned out excellent, if I do say so myself.
As a bonus, I had some left over cherries and left over frosting, so I created my own chocolate-covered cherries. Mmmmm....
Score one for perseverance in the kitchen!
Friday, September 02, 2005
Cooking up trouble
It's possible I went a little overboard in my cooking efforts this week. Shutterbug sent me a cookbook of 30-minute meals, and so I picked a couple out to make on my night off work. On the menu: sea scallops with vermouth (over a bed of artichoke hearts and assorted other things) with a side of veal scaloppini with wine, mushrooms and green olives.
Now this is ambitious for two reasons -- the menu sounds very impressive and the meals involve a lot of things I was pretty sure I don't like (artichoke hearts, mushrooms, green olives, etc.) But I like scallops, meat and linguini. So I figured if I was going to expand my horizons, I ought to jump in with both feet.
Unfortunately, not everything went quite as planned.
I started with the scallops with vermouth, which wasn't much of a problem -- once I consulted a friend about what exactly vermouth was and where to get it. (Alcohol isn't exactly my forte.) I pulled that together pretty quickly and thought, "Hey, this isn't so bad!"
Oh, silly, silly Briguy.
I began with putting together the veal scaloppini by cooking the linguini. No problem. Then I started putting together the other stuff, which involved chopping a lot of things. I was very excited to be using my new food chopper (thanks to all who suggested it -- it's made my prep time infinitely shorter) but I'm still getting the hang of it. I wasn't chopping so much as obliterating most of the things I put in there. And I found out it doesn't work so well for raw bacon. That mostly makes a mess. And while I was scooping out this bacony mess, it occurred to me that I hadn't taken the blade part of the chopper out yet. I realized this when I sliced my finger on the blade.
I quickly used a paper towel to put pressure on the wound while removing the rather sharp blade and putting the rest of the bacon into the frying pan. This gave me two to three minutes before the next ingredient needed to be added.
So I ran into the bathroom and tried to stem the flow of blood. Eventually, I got to the point where I could put a Band-Aid on it and went back into the kitchen.
Onion was next on the list, so I cleaned the chopper out and began peeling the onion over the trash can, trying hard not to use the middle finger of my right hand because blood was starting to seep around the Band-Aid and I didn't want to get it on the onion.
Then my eyes started to water.
It was about that time that I dropped the onion in the garbage can.
Luckily, it landed on a plastic bag I had stuck in there only moments ago, so I picked it up, washed it off and finished what I was doing. (Don't look at me like I'm gross -- it's not like I was George eating an eclair out of the garbage...)
Anyhow, after that was chopped and added to the mix, I went back to the bathroom to replace the bandage and that pretty much took care of that. But shortly after that, after cooking the meat, the directions got a little confusing, my scallops were getting cold and I was tired of all the cooking, especially since at that point I was just making things I didn't really have an interest in. So I just ditched the rest of the recipe, added the veal to the linguini sans the mushrooms, olives and the rest of that stuff.
At this point, it was also apparent that I had more food than I could possibly consume. While the Food Network's Rachel Ray was cooking multicourse meals for families of at least four, I was cooking for one. And I still had pan-seared shrimp and scallop skewers to make the next day. (They turned out just great, thanks.) But that basically gave me enough food for 12 meals.
I ate what I could (not a fan of the artichoke, as it ends up), and I'll be eating the rest for the next 5 days until the laws of good health demand that one throw the food out.
Next time, I think I'll just make one meal at a time.
Now this is ambitious for two reasons -- the menu sounds very impressive and the meals involve a lot of things I was pretty sure I don't like (artichoke hearts, mushrooms, green olives, etc.) But I like scallops, meat and linguini. So I figured if I was going to expand my horizons, I ought to jump in with both feet.
Unfortunately, not everything went quite as planned.
I started with the scallops with vermouth, which wasn't much of a problem -- once I consulted a friend about what exactly vermouth was and where to get it. (Alcohol isn't exactly my forte.) I pulled that together pretty quickly and thought, "Hey, this isn't so bad!"
Oh, silly, silly Briguy.
I began with putting together the veal scaloppini by cooking the linguini. No problem. Then I started putting together the other stuff, which involved chopping a lot of things. I was very excited to be using my new food chopper (thanks to all who suggested it -- it's made my prep time infinitely shorter) but I'm still getting the hang of it. I wasn't chopping so much as obliterating most of the things I put in there. And I found out it doesn't work so well for raw bacon. That mostly makes a mess. And while I was scooping out this bacony mess, it occurred to me that I hadn't taken the blade part of the chopper out yet. I realized this when I sliced my finger on the blade.
I quickly used a paper towel to put pressure on the wound while removing the rather sharp blade and putting the rest of the bacon into the frying pan. This gave me two to three minutes before the next ingredient needed to be added.
So I ran into the bathroom and tried to stem the flow of blood. Eventually, I got to the point where I could put a Band-Aid on it and went back into the kitchen.
Onion was next on the list, so I cleaned the chopper out and began peeling the onion over the trash can, trying hard not to use the middle finger of my right hand because blood was starting to seep around the Band-Aid and I didn't want to get it on the onion.
Then my eyes started to water.
It was about that time that I dropped the onion in the garbage can.
Luckily, it landed on a plastic bag I had stuck in there only moments ago, so I picked it up, washed it off and finished what I was doing. (Don't look at me like I'm gross -- it's not like I was George eating an eclair out of the garbage...)
Anyhow, after that was chopped and added to the mix, I went back to the bathroom to replace the bandage and that pretty much took care of that. But shortly after that, after cooking the meat, the directions got a little confusing, my scallops were getting cold and I was tired of all the cooking, especially since at that point I was just making things I didn't really have an interest in. So I just ditched the rest of the recipe, added the veal to the linguini sans the mushrooms, olives and the rest of that stuff.
At this point, it was also apparent that I had more food than I could possibly consume. While the Food Network's Rachel Ray was cooking multicourse meals for families of at least four, I was cooking for one. And I still had pan-seared shrimp and scallop skewers to make the next day. (They turned out just great, thanks.) But that basically gave me enough food for 12 meals.
I ate what I could (not a fan of the artichoke, as it ends up), and I'll be eating the rest for the next 5 days until the laws of good health demand that one throw the food out.
Next time, I think I'll just make one meal at a time.
Monday, August 29, 2005
News in a nutshell: Aug. 22-28
Sound smart
By the time you read this, Hurricane Katrina, a category 5 storm, will have made landfall in New Orleans. The city and much of the Gulf Shore have mandatory evacuations in effect, but the damage could be catastrophic. Oil prices have also skyrocketed because of the storm, meaning you can be pretty sure the U.S. will be announcing a War on Hurricanes any day now.
Pat Robertson sparked an international furor Tuesday after calling for the assassination of Venezuela's democratically elected president. He said (and I'm not making this up): "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."
You know, before we get all uppity about putting the Ten Commandments in the classrooms and courthouses, maybe we should think about putting more of them in the CHURCHES -- because clearly the whole "thou shall not kill" thing isn't really getting through.
Boring, but important
After turning in a draft constitution just under the extended deadline, only to extend it again to "work out some kinks," Iraqi officials submitted a draft constitution to the parliament. Of course the Sunnis hate it and so the big document that was supposed to bring the entire nation together is actually causing even more tension. I don't get it -- I mean they had TWO extensions, and they still can solve the problems that have been plaguing the various factions for centuries?!?
That's just laziness...
What the ...?!?
The student-run newspaper of the Southern Illinois University discovered it had been the victim of a very elaborate hoax that involved actors and years of stories and columns about a little girl who's dad was a soldier who was killed in Iraq. Except the soldier never actually existed, and the columns are thought to have been written by a woman pretending to be the daughter. The jury is still out on if the student who first started writing about the girl was in on the hoax or not. The whole thing is totally bizarre and unfortunate, though.
Good old Fox News decided to make a public service announcement by airing a guy who gave the California street address of a man he said was a terrorist. Why he would do this in the first place (and why Fox would air it) is questionable enough, but it didn't help matters that the supposed terrorist moved out about three years ago. Thus, a family of five has been terrorized themselves by all the good citizens who thought they would pay the house a visit and spray paint graffiti and harass them. But I don't see the problem, because if we can pick fights with other people in their own backyard, it'll keep them from coming into mine.
Researchers have discovered that monkeys like to gamble. This is bad news for Nevada, because I'm pretty sure that once those monkeys are done taking over Puerto Rico, they're headed to Vegas, baby! I wonder if you can cash out your chips in bananas...
The Miss America pageant is leaving Atlantic City, where it began 84 years ago. It's looking for another host city in the hopes that it will help turn around the financial problems it's had after ABC dropped the program because of low ratings. But the pageant left Atlantic City with poise, its head held high, and waving -- elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist ...
Kenya's ambitious plan to relocate 400 elephants was put on hold indefinitely after the trailer used to transport the first elephant collapsed under the weight. Apparently they didn't realize it would weigh as much as ... well, an elephant.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Today, I'm a worrier
Normally, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about things, particularly that which is out of my control. But I was already concerned about Hurricane Katrina and the effect it would have on New Orleans last night, when it was a category 3. When I woke up this morning and heard on NPR that the storm had become a category 5 hurricane, it stopped me in my tracks.
As I write this, Katrina has sustained winds of 175 mph -- which basically makes it a gigantic F3 tornado. The city is being evacuated, but 1.3 million people live in the area and I would guess there are tens of thousands of people who don't have the means to leave. Traffic on the main interstate out of town is so jammed it's at a standstill. And while Katrina won't make landfall until tomorrow morning, the weather will get bad late this afternoon. Much of the rest of the Gulf Coast is being evacuated as well. The storm surge is expected to be 25 feet high, much higher than the levees that protect New Orleans -- parts of which are already 20 feet below sea level.
Only two other category 5 hurricanes have hit the U.S. since they started keeping track of these things -- Hurricane Andrew in 1992, which caused $26.5 billion in damage, and Hurricane Camille in 1969, which killed 256 people.
Katrina already killed seven people and dumped 18 inches of rain on Florida -- and that's when it was a category 1. The worst-case scenarios involve New Orleans being under 15 feet of water, possibly for months, with no clean water, no sewage system, no electricity. I cringe to think what the death toll and destruction will be.
I pray I'm wrong.
As I write this, Katrina has sustained winds of 175 mph -- which basically makes it a gigantic F3 tornado. The city is being evacuated, but 1.3 million people live in the area and I would guess there are tens of thousands of people who don't have the means to leave. Traffic on the main interstate out of town is so jammed it's at a standstill. And while Katrina won't make landfall until tomorrow morning, the weather will get bad late this afternoon. Much of the rest of the Gulf Coast is being evacuated as well. The storm surge is expected to be 25 feet high, much higher than the levees that protect New Orleans -- parts of which are already 20 feet below sea level.
Only two other category 5 hurricanes have hit the U.S. since they started keeping track of these things -- Hurricane Andrew in 1992, which caused $26.5 billion in damage, and Hurricane Camille in 1969, which killed 256 people.
Katrina already killed seven people and dumped 18 inches of rain on Florida -- and that's when it was a category 1. The worst-case scenarios involve New Orleans being under 15 feet of water, possibly for months, with no clean water, no sewage system, no electricity. I cringe to think what the death toll and destruction will be.
I pray I'm wrong.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Random thoughts
The "Batman Begins: Deluxe Edition" is back up on Amazon now -- WOOHOO!!! I ordered it immediately so as not to fall victim to my past mistakes.
I drove up to D.C. this week to visit my brother and friends. There are a lot of things I like about Washington, D.C. -- all the museums, the Metro and the ability to walk so many places. And I especially like the Mall area -- there's almost something going on there. During the day, it's people relaxing, playing or jogging. And after the workday is done, there are baseball games, volleyball games and, I'm told, Ultimate games. I just think that's awesome.
Not so thrilled about gas that costs $2.97 per gallon, though.
And while I'm more a Renaissance period art fan, I also have decided I really like American artist Thomas Cole. I bought postcard images of his series "The Voyage of Life" several years ago, but I had never seen the actual prints until this week at National Gallery of Art. They are, obviously, much better in full-size. You can't see the detail in these screenshots, but the series is made of four paintings: "Childhood," "Youth," "Manhood," and "Old Age." I think maybe when I eventually buy a house, I'll try to get framed prints of it.
I also discovered another painting I really like, related to Thomas Cole, called "Kindred Spirits" by Asher B. Durand.
I also added some intrigue to my culture by visiting the International Spy Museum, which was pretty danged cool and a lot bigger than I thought it would be. But there are a lot of interactive things, so try to go when it's not going to be too crowded.
I drove up to D.C. this week to visit my brother and friends. There are a lot of things I like about Washington, D.C. -- all the museums, the Metro and the ability to walk so many places. And I especially like the Mall area -- there's almost something going on there. During the day, it's people relaxing, playing or jogging. And after the workday is done, there are baseball games, volleyball games and, I'm told, Ultimate games. I just think that's awesome.
Not so thrilled about gas that costs $2.97 per gallon, though.
And while I'm more a Renaissance period art fan, I also have decided I really like American artist Thomas Cole. I bought postcard images of his series "The Voyage of Life" several years ago, but I had never seen the actual prints until this week at National Gallery of Art. They are, obviously, much better in full-size. You can't see the detail in these screenshots, but the series is made of four paintings: "Childhood," "Youth," "Manhood," and "Old Age." I think maybe when I eventually buy a house, I'll try to get framed prints of it.
I also discovered another painting I really like, related to Thomas Cole, called "Kindred Spirits" by Asher B. Durand.
I also added some intrigue to my culture by visiting the International Spy Museum, which was pretty danged cool and a lot bigger than I thought it would be. But there are a lot of interactive things, so try to go when it's not going to be too crowded.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Recommended reading
A couple of articles that may be of interest:
The first shows that at least I'm not alone in being bugged by the lack of a hyphen in the movie title "The 40 Year-Old Virgin."
The second talks about how the media's efforts to be "balanced" can actually create a skewed perception of reality. The column focuses on intelligent design, but the same could be said about most political coverage or of the debate about global warming, in which the large majority of scientists agree on it, but a small group of fringe scientists (and the current administration) don't. Because the media just recites a "he said, she said" of various groups' causes without any attempt to examine the validity of the statements, readers are given the belief that both sides are equally valid, which is not always the case.
The first shows that at least I'm not alone in being bugged by the lack of a hyphen in the movie title "The 40 Year-Old Virgin."
The second talks about how the media's efforts to be "balanced" can actually create a skewed perception of reality. The column focuses on intelligent design, but the same could be said about most political coverage or of the debate about global warming, in which the large majority of scientists agree on it, but a small group of fringe scientists (and the current administration) don't. Because the media just recites a "he said, she said" of various groups' causes without any attempt to examine the validity of the statements, readers are given the belief that both sides are equally valid, which is not always the case.
Monday, August 22, 2005
News in a nutshell: Aug. 15-21
Sound smart
Iraqi leaders failed to meet Monday's deadline to finish their constitution, and so extended the deadline by a week. Depending on which official you talked to, the reason for the delay included a sandstorm, a dead grandmother or a ravenous dog. But one source, who preferred to remain anonymous blamed the negotiators' process of writing the constitution: 10 minutes of writing, followed by 10 minutes of playing video games, followed by 10 minutes of writing, followed by 15 minutes of e-mailing, followed by 10 minutes of writing, followed by 30 minutes of watching TV. A good deal of time was also spent debating on whether to make the constitution double-spaced and how wide they could make the margins before anyone noticed.
Israeli soldiers began the forced removal of Israeli settlers in the Gaza Strip on Wednesday, a process that is continuing this week. I find myself unable to joke because the whole thing has produced so many heartbreaking scenes. Although I believe it will be for the best in the long run, it's still difficult to fathom being forced from your home. And I have to commend both the soldiers, who have endured taunts and violence without responding in kind, for the way they've done their job, and the settlers who have, for the most part, refrained from resorting to violence either. May some good come of this...
A 7.2 magnitude earthquake struck Japan on Tuesday and injured dozens, though no one was killed. The epicenter was about 50 miles off the coast where Godzilla was believed to be doing battle with Megalon.
Boring, but important
A recent study found that some beachgoers are actually addicted to tanning and can't quit despite the known health problems. Warning signs are lying about your tanning to others, skipping work to tan and frequently being tan before noon.
But now for some good news
It turns out gossip may actually be a good thing. At least, that's what I heard. I don't really know if it's true.
What the ...?!?
A school district's offer of used iBook laptops for $50 near Richmond, Va., resulted in a melee Tuesday. More than 5,000 people showed up to get one of the 1,000 computers being offered. Many had been waiting for hours before the gates opened; one woman peed herself just to keep her spot in line. And when the gates opened, the mad rush began, with people getting trampled, other people trying to drive cars through the crowd and one guy who felt justified swinging a chair at other people. You'd think they were selling Tickle-Me Elmos ...
Some ecologists have suggested relocating wild animals from Africa, such as lions, cheetahs, camels and elephants, to the Great Plains of the U.S. Add some flying monkeys, and maybe Oz won't be so different from Kansas after all.
Three Polish researchers were rescued from an Arctic island as hungry polar bears were closing in on them. And even when the bears are old and senile, they'll still be bragging to their friends about the ones that got away. Except by then, it'll be more like 20 researchers who each weighed about 300 pounds of tasty goodness.
The government's "no-fly list," which contains names of suspected terrorists, has been successful at keeping a number of toddlers off flights because their names are similar to or the same as those on the watch list. Which is probably a good reason not to name your baby Osama bin Laden. But I think this could be the beginning of something even better: Can we use this technology to create a list of babies who will scream for the duration of a flight and keep them from boarding? Because I think that would be a public service.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Short stories
On Tuesday, I read on Dark Horizons that Amazon was taking preorders for the "Batman Begins: Deluxe Edition" for only $16. I was totally excited and checked Amazon -- sure enough, $16! Awesome. But I was in a hurry and figured I'd get to it later. By the time I checked Amazon the next day, the DVD was "currently unavailable," which I'm taking to mean it reached its limit for preorders or something. Why didn't I just order it when I had the chance? WHY?!?! I've been checking back every day since then, but no luck. I'm not sure when I'll stop kicking myself...
I went to the batting cage on one of my days off last week to hit a few rounds. I thought I would start off with softballs just to ease my way into it. Not only did I not get any solid hits, I never even connected with the ball. Not even close. At one point, I actually started just watching the balls whiz past, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. So for the second round, I switched to baseballs figuring, what the heck? I had no problem hitting them. It wasn't until later that I realized that even though the baseball speed was medium, the softball speed was set at so-you-want-to-embarrass-yourself fast.
On Wednesday night, I somehow accidentally left my car windows rolled all the way down, which means they were open from about late afternoon Wednesday to late morning Thursday. Miraculously, three things did not happen:
1) It did not rain.
2) No one stole anything from the car, not that I keep much in there worth stealing.
3) No one stole the car itself.
I'm still not sure if I'm more amazed at my total absent-mindedness or that nothing bad happened.
Easy way to make chicken parmesan: Cook Shake and Bake chicken, and after it's done, add some pasta sauce, sprinkle with mozzarella, and put back in the oven long enough for the cheese to melt. Voila! Quick and easy.
If you're interested, among the many new posts over at Gig Matrix, are my thoughts on "40 Year-Old Virgin," "Four Brothers" and "The Daily Show: Indecision 2004" DVD.
Tonight, my friend Peter mentioned that he overheard a girl in a coffee shop say: "If you look up the definition of 'pimp' on Dictionary.com, you'll find a picture of him."
I thought it was an interesting example of how ubiquitous technology has become.
I went to the batting cage on one of my days off last week to hit a few rounds. I thought I would start off with softballs just to ease my way into it. Not only did I not get any solid hits, I never even connected with the ball. Not even close. At one point, I actually started just watching the balls whiz past, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. So for the second round, I switched to baseballs figuring, what the heck? I had no problem hitting them. It wasn't until later that I realized that even though the baseball speed was medium, the softball speed was set at so-you-want-to-embarrass-yourself fast.
On Wednesday night, I somehow accidentally left my car windows rolled all the way down, which means they were open from about late afternoon Wednesday to late morning Thursday. Miraculously, three things did not happen:
1) It did not rain.
2) No one stole anything from the car, not that I keep much in there worth stealing.
3) No one stole the car itself.
I'm still not sure if I'm more amazed at my total absent-mindedness or that nothing bad happened.
Easy way to make chicken parmesan: Cook Shake and Bake chicken, and after it's done, add some pasta sauce, sprinkle with mozzarella, and put back in the oven long enough for the cheese to melt. Voila! Quick and easy.
If you're interested, among the many new posts over at Gig Matrix, are my thoughts on "40 Year-Old Virgin," "Four Brothers" and "The Daily Show: Indecision 2004" DVD.
Tonight, my friend Peter mentioned that he overheard a girl in a coffee shop say: "If you look up the definition of 'pimp' on Dictionary.com, you'll find a picture of him."
I thought it was an interesting example of how ubiquitous technology has become.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
A little house cleaning
I updated the list of links, deleting a couple of defunct blogs (Oh, Hero Guild, we hardly knew ye...) and adding a few links under "Other Cool Sites."
Dark Horizons has a lot of entertainment info, and "The Daily Show's" Web site has clips from past shows, so if you happen to miss an episode, or don't get cable, you can still check out some of the funny stuff.
I strongly suggest consulting FactCheck.org before believing anything in a political ad because it's likely to be a bunch of bunk.
And the Fug site is a very funny, snarky commentary on celebrity fashion. Usually, I'm willing to cut celebrities some slack about most things, but there are definitely some items of clothing no one should be allowed to wear.
PostSecret, which I know several of my fellow bloggers have already mentioned, is updated weekly and is an interesting look at the secrets many people keep. It's very confessional, which means it's often disturbing, sometimes sad, sometimes funny, and sometimes hopeful. But always interesting.
And Television Without Pity is great if you every miss an episode of your favorite series. Or if you want to see some caustic commentary on your least favorite show.
Dark Horizons has a lot of entertainment info, and "The Daily Show's" Web site has clips from past shows, so if you happen to miss an episode, or don't get cable, you can still check out some of the funny stuff.
I strongly suggest consulting FactCheck.org before believing anything in a political ad because it's likely to be a bunch of bunk.
And the Fug site is a very funny, snarky commentary on celebrity fashion. Usually, I'm willing to cut celebrities some slack about most things, but there are definitely some items of clothing no one should be allowed to wear.
PostSecret, which I know several of my fellow bloggers have already mentioned, is updated weekly and is an interesting look at the secrets many people keep. It's very confessional, which means it's often disturbing, sometimes sad, sometimes funny, and sometimes hopeful. But always interesting.
And Television Without Pity is great if you every miss an episode of your favorite series. Or if you want to see some caustic commentary on your least favorite show.
Monday, August 15, 2005
News in a nutshell: Aug. 8-14
Sound smart
An impromptu strike by members of an airline catering company dominoed into a strike that shut down Heathrow Airport in London last week and left tens of thousands of people stranded at the airport and around the world. And you thought it was bad when all the catering company did was give you a dry, tasteless sandwich that cost $7. But don't worry! The airlines provided stranded passengers with, I kid you not, a jazz trio to pass the time.
And the airlines wonder why they're going bankrupt.
President Bush hinted that if Iran didn't stop its nuclear program, it might be next on the U.S.'s hit list, saying that, if diplomacy fails, "all options are on the table." The U.S. seems willing to attack because officials believe Iran is using its nuclear program to make weapons of mass destruction. Or that at least it has programs to create weapons of mass destruction. Or it's the humanitarian thing to do because Iran's leader is a bad man. Or maybe it's just because we're already over there and, what the hell?!? At this point, all excuses are on the table.
Thieves got away with $67.8 million after they spent three months digging a 262-foot tunnel underneath a street next to the Central Bank Building in Brazil and burrowing up underneath the vault. Anybody else smell the plot for "Ocean's 13"? (Where, of course, George Clooney will have to pretend to be George Clooney in order to help the gang get away with their thievery. It's brilliant, I tell you, brilliant!)
Boring, but important
The government tightened regulations for Accutane, an acne drug, to ensure that women who use it don't get pregnant. Unfortunately, this puts users who want children in a bit of a Catch-22 because if they use Accutane, it causes birth defects. And if they don't use it, well, they can't get anyone to sleep with them.
After much criticism, an abortion-rights group pulled a TV ad that basically said Supreme Court nominee John Roberts supported abortion clinic bombings. Of course, the law brief in question was written seven years before the bombing it supposedly supported. But really, I think this just points out a greater danger to our country: John Roberts can clearly travel through time. And do we really want a time traveler on the Supreme Court?
I didn't think so.
Sorry to tell you
If you follow the news, you may remember a lonely elderly man in Rome who took out a newspaper ad last year offering himself up for adoption as a grandfather. It was very touching and an Italian family offered to take him in and the whole thing was very heartwarming.
Except it ends up that apparently Grandpa bamboozled the family out of a bunch of money and was a total fraud. And now he's disappeared, but he's believed to have suckered other families as well. And if that is not just totally disheartening, I don't know what is.
John Johnson, an influential black leader and the publisher of Jet and Ebony magazines, died Monday at age 87 of heart failure.
A Greek airliner crashed into a hillside Sunday killing all 121 people aboard. It's thought that a sudden loss of cabin pressure incapacitated both pilots and possibly everyone else on board, though officials are still trying to figure out how such a malfunction could have happened.
But now for some good news
Scientists said on Wednesday that they had mapped the complete genetic code of rice, something they hope will help efforts to feed the hungry. But you want to know something really surprising? The number of genes in rice: about 37,500. The number of genes in humans: 20,000-25,000. Rice is more genetically complicated than we are. Granted, if you put me a steamer, I don't get all tasty like rice (I don't think), but I still found that rather disconcerting.
For the first time, a woman has been appointed head chef at the White House.
Ah, yes, the Bush administration -- proud to be putting women back in the kitchen.
"American Idol" judge Paula Abdul has been cleared of allegations of an improper relationship with former contestant Corey Clark and will remain a judge on the for-some-reason-popular TV show.
I don't get it. I mean, why would Clark, who auditioned for the show in a desperate attempt to become famous and who was kicked off the show for not telling anyone he had once been arrested, make up lies about having an affair with Paula Abdul?!? It makes no sense, people! Up is down, black is white, cats and dogs are sleeping together ... !!! Why does nothing make sense anymore ... why?!?!? (sobs)
What the ...?!?
Researchers at MIT have invented something called the "Jerk-O-Meter" that detects when the person on the other end of a phone conversation is faking interest.
And, suddenly, boyfriends and husbands everywhere began to panic.
Soldiers in Afghanistan are using donkeys to transport supplies during its operation to battle militants. DONKEYS?!?! The troops in Iraq don't have body armor and the troops in Afghanistan are using donkeys. But don't worry, the Pentagon has promised that improved equipment is being shipped out as we speak.
Of course, it's being sent via carrier pigeon, so it could take awhile to get there.
Why bachelors and baking don't mix
For my cooking of the week I actually decided to try baking -- chocolate cookies with a cherry in the center, covered in chocolate frosting. Now I can make a mean peanut butter cookie with the help of Betty Crocker, so cookies aren't too far out of the realm of possibility for me. I planned on making a bunch yesterday and taking them into work to impress everyone with my ability to make tasty morsels.
Alas, it was not to be.
Upon reflection, I believe this was for two main reasons:
1) I like big cookies; like, the-size-of-my-head cookies. And so I have a tendency to put too much dough into each cookie. This totally screws up the cooking time, which cascades into a bunch of other problems (some parts get burnt, other parts don't get cooked enough, etc.). From now on, I will try to practice restraint when it comes to cookie size and adhere to the recipe.
2) For the frosting, the recipe called for 1 cup of semi-sweet chocolate pieces. Well, at the grocery store, the chocolate came in chips and squares, but not pieces. I opted for the chocolate baking squares, but those are measured in ounces. Each square is an ounce. Well, 8 ounces make 1 cup, right? Well, yes, if you're talking about liquid and not a ginormous amount of chocolate. So I put the whole 8 oz. bar of chocolate in there and that was just way too much. Consequently, it never got to frosting consistency; it was more like an amorphous blob of chocolate that kept trying to climb out of the pan so it could begin to devour all of Norfolk.
So next time: chocolate chips.
The cookies were technically edible, but they sure as heck didn't look that appetizing. And even though people in my line of work are notorious for eating anything set out at the office, I certainly wasn't going to bring them to my co-workers as the first impression of my cooking skills.
Maybe I should try something easier -- like learning to juggle flaming swords while riding a unicycle.
I'm sure I could do that.
Alas, it was not to be.
Upon reflection, I believe this was for two main reasons:
1) I like big cookies; like, the-size-of-my-head cookies. And so I have a tendency to put too much dough into each cookie. This totally screws up the cooking time, which cascades into a bunch of other problems (some parts get burnt, other parts don't get cooked enough, etc.). From now on, I will try to practice restraint when it comes to cookie size and adhere to the recipe.
2) For the frosting, the recipe called for 1 cup of semi-sweet chocolate pieces. Well, at the grocery store, the chocolate came in chips and squares, but not pieces. I opted for the chocolate baking squares, but those are measured in ounces. Each square is an ounce. Well, 8 ounces make 1 cup, right? Well, yes, if you're talking about liquid and not a ginormous amount of chocolate. So I put the whole 8 oz. bar of chocolate in there and that was just way too much. Consequently, it never got to frosting consistency; it was more like an amorphous blob of chocolate that kept trying to climb out of the pan so it could begin to devour all of Norfolk.
So next time: chocolate chips.
The cookies were technically edible, but they sure as heck didn't look that appetizing. And even though people in my line of work are notorious for eating anything set out at the office, I certainly wasn't going to bring them to my co-workers as the first impression of my cooking skills.
Maybe I should try something easier -- like learning to juggle flaming swords while riding a unicycle.
I'm sure I could do that.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
The games people play
After work Friday night, I hung out with a bunch of co-workers to play a variety of games -- Taboo, Balderdash and Scrabble.
I know; we're a crazy crew.
But I learned several interesting things playing Balderdash:
1) Pooter is a word, and it probably doesn't mean what you think it means. It's actually a tube with a suction cup on one end that you use to catch insects. Or something like that. However, I've decided it will be another word for someone who's a total jerk. ("That guy is a total pooter.")
2) Tatties is also a word that doesn't mean what you suspect. It's something like a wet carpet hung from windows in India to keep out dust, but the best made-up definition was the underwear you wear on laundry day. ("I didn't have any clean clothes left, so I'm wearing my tatties while I do laundry.")
I will, however, settle for it meaning miniature tattoos. ("Hey, I really like that little butterfly on your ankle." "Thanks! It's my new tattie.")
I would like your help in making these definitions popular.
3) The third thing I learned is that there are a lot of movies that involve ventriloquists and midgets. "The Dummy Talks" is about a midget who goes undercover as a dummy to find a ventriloquist's killer. "The Unholy Three" involves a strongman, a ventriloquist and a midget who team up to pull off crimes. Because, of course, why wouldn't they? With their combined powers, surely they would be unstoppable.
However, the various made-up plots to these movies have led me to create the greatest movie plot ever. This baby has Blockbuster written all over it. (By that, I mean straight to rental.) The story:
Three dames from the wrong side of the tracks wreak havoc in 1950s Chicago. In the process, they get on the bad side of a ventriloquist and his dummy, who is really a midget working undercover to catch The Unholy Three. The women are forced to flee to Rome, where they become prostitutes in search of redemption. Hilarity ensues in this slapstick comedy.
That, my friends, is money in the bank.
Hey, it's gotta be better than "Deuce Bigalow."
I know; we're a crazy crew.
But I learned several interesting things playing Balderdash:
1) Pooter is a word, and it probably doesn't mean what you think it means. It's actually a tube with a suction cup on one end that you use to catch insects. Or something like that. However, I've decided it will be another word for someone who's a total jerk. ("That guy is a total pooter.")
2) Tatties is also a word that doesn't mean what you suspect. It's something like a wet carpet hung from windows in India to keep out dust, but the best made-up definition was the underwear you wear on laundry day. ("I didn't have any clean clothes left, so I'm wearing my tatties while I do laundry.")
I will, however, settle for it meaning miniature tattoos. ("Hey, I really like that little butterfly on your ankle." "Thanks! It's my new tattie.")
I would like your help in making these definitions popular.
3) The third thing I learned is that there are a lot of movies that involve ventriloquists and midgets. "The Dummy Talks" is about a midget who goes undercover as a dummy to find a ventriloquist's killer. "The Unholy Three" involves a strongman, a ventriloquist and a midget who team up to pull off crimes. Because, of course, why wouldn't they? With their combined powers, surely they would be unstoppable.
However, the various made-up plots to these movies have led me to create the greatest movie plot ever. This baby has Blockbuster written all over it. (By that, I mean straight to rental.) The story:
Three dames from the wrong side of the tracks wreak havoc in 1950s Chicago. In the process, they get on the bad side of a ventriloquist and his dummy, who is really a midget working undercover to catch The Unholy Three. The women are forced to flee to Rome, where they become prostitutes in search of redemption. Hilarity ensues in this slapstick comedy.
That, my friends, is money in the bank.
Hey, it's gotta be better than "Deuce Bigalow."
Friday, August 12, 2005
The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
Sorry for the late notice, but if you have a chance, check out the Perseid meteor shower, which peaks tonight.
Monday, August 08, 2005
News in a nutshell: July 31-Aug. 7
Sound smart
Seven crew members of a Russian minisub were rescued Sunday after two days underwater. Their sub had been ensnared in fishing nets. At one point, the vessel was pulled to the surface, but because the minisub wasn't big enough, fishers had to throw it back.
More people were arrested last week in connection with the failed bombings in London on July 21. So far 12 people have been charged and four are still in custody.
So it took four people to pull off a successful bombing, and possibly 16 to pull off a botched bombing? I think we know which group was the B team ...
After the fear of falling foam abated, it was fabric strips sticking out from the bottom of the shuttle that threatened Discovery. This was remedied with a risky spacewalk and a guy pulling out the fabric with his fingers. When someone can literally pull apart the space shuttle with his hands, I think it's time we start using another way to get into space.
Baltimore Orioles star Rafael Palmeiro, who in March testified before Congress that he had never used steroids, was suspended for using steroids. But in his defense, he says it was an accident. And I can see how that would happen. I know that whenever someone asks if they can inject me with some unknown substance, my only question is: "Will it help my copy editing?" If the answer is "yes," I say, "Shoot me up!"
Researchers in South Korea reported Wednesday that they had cloned a dog, which they named Snuppy. I guess this is what you get when you double-dog dare geneticists.
Boring, but important
Adidas agreed to buy Reebok for $3.8 billion. Really, this makes sense. After all, shoe companies should come in pairs. (Wow, that was so bad, even I'm groaning.)
As soon as Congress left for summer recess, President Bush installed controversial nominee John Bolton as ambassador to the United Nations -- essentially giving Congress the finger. Democrats called Bush's move to bypass the Senate confirmation an abuse of power. But Bolton will serve only until the start of 2007, and, honestly, how much damage can one guy do to international relations in a year and a half?*
(*Time between Sept. 11, 2001, and the start of the Iraq war: A year and a half.)
Oh.
Sad but true
Peter Jennings died late Sunday at 67 from lung cancer. Things you probably didn't know: Jennings was a high school dropout and first anchored "The ABC Evening News" when he was 26, but left later to get more experience and make a name for himself as a foreign correspondent.
And now for some good news
An Air France jet skidded off a runway in Toronto and burst into flames. But all 309 people aboard escaped within minutes and no one was seriously hurt. Despite this, one passenger was quoted as saying one of the flight attendants told them, "'You can calm down, it's OK,' and yet the plane was on fire and smoke was pouring in," the passenger said. "I don't like to criticize, but the staff did not seem helpful or prepared."
For pete's sake, lady! Hundreds of people evacuated a crashed airplane in less than five minutes before it was totally engulfed in flames! What did you want -- peanuts on the way down the chute?!?
A giant panda was born Tuesday at the San Diego Zoo, less than a month after a panda was born at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. I knew the federal government's subsidy of Viagra for pandas would eventually bear fruit. (Hey, the government is paying for Viagra for poor people, soldiers and sex offenders among others. Why not pandas?)
What the ...?!?
Apparently, monkeys are overrunning Puerto Rico. And these aren't just any monkeys -- they're escaped lab monkeys. So they're probably wicked smart. Puerto Rico, it was nice sort-of-knowing you...
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Building a better Briguy
I finally signed up for gym membership at a community center that's not terribly near my apartment and doesn't have quite as much equipment as I'd like, but the price can't be beat and I'm eager to get back into a regular routine of working out -- something I haven't had since Duluth. I'm also planning on playing tennis once a week, which will be nice.
I've also finally got the numbers of a couple of guys to contact about getting guitar lessons so my guitar can stop being a decorative object and something useful.
I have also vowed to begin cooking on one of my nights off of work and going out to eat at someplace new during the other night off. Last night, I went to a little place called Cici's Pizza tucked into a shopping center near my apartment. They do takeout, but their main thing is a buffet -- all-you-can-eat pizza, pasta, salad (if you like that sort of thing) and dessert. How much does this feast cost, you ask? That's the best part -- $6! And that includes a drink. I was quite happy with the discovery. Happy and stuffed.
Tonight, I cooked spiced shrimp with rice with Hawaiian sweet rolls on the side. Cooking is always a bit of an adventure for me, mostly because I have very lofty goals but not much of a clue as to what I'm really doing. From start to finish, the meal was supposed to take 45 minutes. But for me, it was more like 2 hours. And that doesn't include the trip to the grocery store, which inevitably runs about an hour because I often have no idea what the things I need even are. (Star anise?!? Is it a fruit? A vegetable? A spice? I have no idea. It sounds like something a ninja would use.) I finally got what I needed and got it home. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the shrimp had already been deveined. Although I have to admit, I was sort of looking forward to trying that out. But after just peeling 1 pound of shrimp, I got over my disappointment pretty quickly. The mixing of the spices went fairly well, although I keep having to grate fresh ginger and it always seems stringy, so I'm not sure I'm doing it right. But whatever. The bigger problem came when it was time to add the onions. Besides being tired of grating ginger for various recipes, I've gotten tired of cutting up onions. Especially when I don't usually need much. So I decided to get the chopped onions in a bottle -- they're dried and sort of flaky. But they burned pretty fast when I cooked them, probably because they had no moisture, so I think I'm going to have to stick with regular onions in the future.
Oh well.
The rest of it seemed to be going fine, but when I thought I was done, I scooped it out onto my plate and began eating only to find that the rice was undercooked and still crunchy.
Umm ... oops.
So back onto the stove to cook for a while longer.
Of course, then I overcooked it. So it was still crunchy.
But hey, at least the shrimp were tasty.
I've also finally got the numbers of a couple of guys to contact about getting guitar lessons so my guitar can stop being a decorative object and something useful.
I have also vowed to begin cooking on one of my nights off of work and going out to eat at someplace new during the other night off. Last night, I went to a little place called Cici's Pizza tucked into a shopping center near my apartment. They do takeout, but their main thing is a buffet -- all-you-can-eat pizza, pasta, salad (if you like that sort of thing) and dessert. How much does this feast cost, you ask? That's the best part -- $6! And that includes a drink. I was quite happy with the discovery. Happy and stuffed.
Tonight, I cooked spiced shrimp with rice with Hawaiian sweet rolls on the side. Cooking is always a bit of an adventure for me, mostly because I have very lofty goals but not much of a clue as to what I'm really doing. From start to finish, the meal was supposed to take 45 minutes. But for me, it was more like 2 hours. And that doesn't include the trip to the grocery store, which inevitably runs about an hour because I often have no idea what the things I need even are. (Star anise?!? Is it a fruit? A vegetable? A spice? I have no idea. It sounds like something a ninja would use.) I finally got what I needed and got it home. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the shrimp had already been deveined. Although I have to admit, I was sort of looking forward to trying that out. But after just peeling 1 pound of shrimp, I got over my disappointment pretty quickly. The mixing of the spices went fairly well, although I keep having to grate fresh ginger and it always seems stringy, so I'm not sure I'm doing it right. But whatever. The bigger problem came when it was time to add the onions. Besides being tired of grating ginger for various recipes, I've gotten tired of cutting up onions. Especially when I don't usually need much. So I decided to get the chopped onions in a bottle -- they're dried and sort of flaky. But they burned pretty fast when I cooked them, probably because they had no moisture, so I think I'm going to have to stick with regular onions in the future.
Oh well.
The rest of it seemed to be going fine, but when I thought I was done, I scooped it out onto my plate and began eating only to find that the rice was undercooked and still crunchy.
Umm ... oops.
So back onto the stove to cook for a while longer.
Of course, then I overcooked it. So it was still crunchy.
But hey, at least the shrimp were tasty.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Back from hiatus: News of note: July 24-30
Sound smart
Most of the nation dealt with a major heat wave as health officials advised people to stay inside and avoid strenuous activity.
FINALLY! A validation of my chosen lifestyle ...
The space shuttle Discovery successfully launched Tuesday and later docked with the space station. Unfortunately, while studying cosmic radiation, things went horribly awry and the astronauts' genetic makeup was altered, giving some of them superpowers and some of them superbad makeovers, and rendering them all incapable of decent dialogue or character and plot development.
Or that might have been a movie. I forget.
On Thursday, the Irish Republican Army said it would stop using violence in its quest to unify Northern Ireland with the Irish Republic. Damn terrorists -- ruining everyone else's violence.
Congress passed a huge energy bill, one of the main tenets of which was expanding daylight-saving time. Of course, whatever energy this saves will probably be expended by people trying to reset their VCRs and computers because I'm pretty sure Congress just screwed over every piece of electronics with the ability to automatically adjust for daylight-saving time.
Some astronomers claim to have found a 10th planet in our solar system -- an object larger than Pluto orbiting the sun. This has rekindled the debate over what constitutes a planet, though most agree it should be at least as big as Al Roker before the gastric bypass surgery.
Boring, but important
The nation's largest labor union, the AFL-CIO, basically fell apart when the Teamsters and the Service Employees International Union took their workers and went home Monday. Other groups plan to follow suit over differences in how the organization is run. Labor union, huh? More like labor disunion! Oh, zing!
And now for some good news
Has anyone noticed that we haven't heard anything from Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes about their amazing love now that their respective movies have been playing for a bit? Hmmm ... funny that. Of course, that could also be because the Scientologists have locked Katie in a closet until she produces Tom's spawn, so perhaps I shouldn't make light just yet.
On Sunday, Lance Armstrong won his seventh and final Tour de France before retiring. Rob Corddry put it best on "The Daily Show" when he said: "Now, Americans can finally get back to not caring about cycling."
What the ...?!?
Finally an explanation for why cats are so finicky: Apparently they're genetically unable to taste sweets. This explains why they seem so indifferent to things we consider so tasty. That and the fact that sweets are just a distraction from their plot to take control of your house and the planet.
After a number of complaints, including from a congressman, the producers of the movie "Wedding Crashers" removed a printable Purple Heart from the film's Web site. Rep. John Salazar, D-Colo., who wants to make such a thing illegal, said: "If any moviegoers take the advice of the 'Wedding Crashers' and try to use fake Purple Hearts to get girls, they may wind up picking up an FBI agent instead."
Well, OK, but is she a hot FBI agent?
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Playing with my food
Here's an interesting experiment to try:
Take a small, airtight Tupperware-like container and fill it with pineapple slices. Put the lid on and make sure it's sealed well. And then wait. After awhile (about an hour, depending on the size of the container and the amount of pineapple), it will blow its top. And not like in an "oops, did I leave this container open because the top is slightly ajar" sort of way. It launches off of there in a "HOLY CRAP! Someone's gonna lose an eye!" sort of way. And with a very large "POP" to boot.
I discovered this tonight at work, and the first time, no one paid much attention and I'm not sure they believed me when I mentioned what happened. So I sealed it back up and put it more prominently on my desk. Sure enough, about an hour or so later, the pineapple went off, jolting half the copy desk. It was like a really cool party trick.
I'm guessing the pineapple releases some sort of gas or something that builds pressure in the container over time, but it makes me a little nervous about eating pineapple now. I mean, eat too much and who's to say my head doesn't just explode or something?
On the other hand, I could totally take this trick on the road.
"Come one, come all! See the amazing jumping pineapples! You won't believe your eyes!*"
Pineapples ... man, those are some feisty fruits.
*Not responsible for lost or damaged eyes.
Take a small, airtight Tupperware-like container and fill it with pineapple slices. Put the lid on and make sure it's sealed well. And then wait. After awhile (about an hour, depending on the size of the container and the amount of pineapple), it will blow its top. And not like in an "oops, did I leave this container open because the top is slightly ajar" sort of way. It launches off of there in a "HOLY CRAP! Someone's gonna lose an eye!" sort of way. And with a very large "POP" to boot.
I discovered this tonight at work, and the first time, no one paid much attention and I'm not sure they believed me when I mentioned what happened. So I sealed it back up and put it more prominently on my desk. Sure enough, about an hour or so later, the pineapple went off, jolting half the copy desk. It was like a really cool party trick.
I'm guessing the pineapple releases some sort of gas or something that builds pressure in the container over time, but it makes me a little nervous about eating pineapple now. I mean, eat too much and who's to say my head doesn't just explode or something?
On the other hand, I could totally take this trick on the road.
"Come one, come all! See the amazing jumping pineapples! You won't believe your eyes!*"
Pineapples ... man, those are some feisty fruits.
*Not responsible for lost or damaged eyes.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Video game players only love you when they're playing
... I don't actually know what the title of this post means, but it struck me as funny. Weird funny or ha-ha funny -- I'm not sure.
At any rate, on GigMatrix, Rob references a great commentary piece about the controversy over video games and their effect on children. Give it a read. I think the point about games becoming more complicated and mentally stimulating is a valid one. Of course, so is the point about obesity, but hey, there are games for that, too. At any rate, there is a definite learning curve to video games and that must count for something.
In other entertainment news, I finally saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" last week and it totally rocked the house. If anyone knows of an opening for a totally cool, kick-butt assassin, I'd like to apply. And while I still don't quite understand all the fuss about Angelina Jolie, I can kind of see the appeal. And I have to admit, if I had a man-crush, it might very well be on Brad Pitt.
I'm secure enough to admit that.
I also saw "Fantastic Four" today for no particular reason than it beat doing anything outside because somehow the Earth and the sun seem to have gotten their temperatures mixed up. It was not particularly good. I actually agree with everything Reuben said -- the best part was the trailer for "Transporter 2."
They kept giving little science lessons during the movie but then their big climactic battle relies on The Human Torch going "supernova," which really just looks like a tornado of fire, while The Invisible Girl creates a force field around it to protect Earth from being destroyed. But the whole time I kept thinking: "What does science tell us happens to fire when it's put in an airtight container? Wouldn't Johnny eat up all the oxygen in the forcefield, thus extinguishing the flame and causing himself to suffocate? It seemed like there might have been an opening at the top of the forcefield, but then why didn't everyone burn up? And if Susan can only bend the light around her anyhow, how does that create forcefields? And why does going supernova only kind of melt the asphalt in the road? That thing whole area should be freakin' lava. Maybe when they said The Human Torch could go 'supernova,' what they meant was 'really hot oven.' "
Whoa. Sorry, I kind of geeked out there for a minute.
I also saw "Zoolander" for the first time today and didn't really get it. I mean, parts of it were funny, but for the most part -- eh. I don't see what all the fuss is about. (Oh ... snap.)
Also, is it overindulgent to buy a whole pie for one's self? I ... er, I mean, I have a friend who went to the grocery store today and bought himself an entire chocolate meringue pie on a whim. It's not to take to any sort of function and no one is coming over. It's just to snack on. He feels sort of gluttonous on the one hand. But on the other ...
Mmm ... chocolate pie.
At any rate, on GigMatrix, Rob references a great commentary piece about the controversy over video games and their effect on children. Give it a read. I think the point about games becoming more complicated and mentally stimulating is a valid one. Of course, so is the point about obesity, but hey, there are games for that, too. At any rate, there is a definite learning curve to video games and that must count for something.
In other entertainment news, I finally saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" last week and it totally rocked the house. If anyone knows of an opening for a totally cool, kick-butt assassin, I'd like to apply. And while I still don't quite understand all the fuss about Angelina Jolie, I can kind of see the appeal. And I have to admit, if I had a man-crush, it might very well be on Brad Pitt.
I'm secure enough to admit that.
I also saw "Fantastic Four" today for no particular reason than it beat doing anything outside because somehow the Earth and the sun seem to have gotten their temperatures mixed up. It was not particularly good. I actually agree with everything Reuben said -- the best part was the trailer for "Transporter 2."
They kept giving little science lessons during the movie but then their big climactic battle relies on The Human Torch going "supernova," which really just looks like a tornado of fire, while The Invisible Girl creates a force field around it to protect Earth from being destroyed. But the whole time I kept thinking: "What does science tell us happens to fire when it's put in an airtight container? Wouldn't Johnny eat up all the oxygen in the forcefield, thus extinguishing the flame and causing himself to suffocate? It seemed like there might have been an opening at the top of the forcefield, but then why didn't everyone burn up? And if Susan can only bend the light around her anyhow, how does that create forcefields? And why does going supernova only kind of melt the asphalt in the road? That thing whole area should be freakin' lava. Maybe when they said The Human Torch could go 'supernova,' what they meant was 'really hot oven.' "
Whoa. Sorry, I kind of geeked out there for a minute.
I also saw "Zoolander" for the first time today and didn't really get it. I mean, parts of it were funny, but for the most part -- eh. I don't see what all the fuss is about. (Oh ... snap.)
Also, is it overindulgent to buy a whole pie for one's self? I ... er, I mean, I have a friend who went to the grocery store today and bought himself an entire chocolate meringue pie on a whim. It's not to take to any sort of function and no one is coming over. It's just to snack on. He feels sort of gluttonous on the one hand. But on the other ...
Mmm ... chocolate pie.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
The season of lint
Two unrelated things first:
1) I'm going to try to do news of note tomorrow sometime, I swear.
2) Check out GigMatrix for my thoughts on the movie "Wedding Crashers."
Now for the main event:
Awhile back at work, somehow we got on the topic of people who make art out of lint. I think I must have scoffed at the idea, or at least expressed skepticism. But the A1 designer that night promised he would give me a piece of lint art if I slotted a story that would help him get his page proofs out before the local designer. I did, though not because of the lint bribe, and promptly forgot about it.
But now, a couple of months later, I get this from him:
And it's even framed. (It's abstract, in case you were wondering.)
And because of I doubted the power of lint to become art, one of the night metro editors decided she would create an homage to me in lint:
She apologized that the chin is weak -- she ran out of lint -- and said that she knows my eyes aren't blue, but that was the lint she had.
I choose to be flattered.
So let me admit publicly that dryer lint can indeed be made into art if you're crazy ... I mean, crafty.
No, I meant crazy.
1) I'm going to try to do news of note tomorrow sometime, I swear.
2) Check out GigMatrix for my thoughts on the movie "Wedding Crashers."
Now for the main event:
Awhile back at work, somehow we got on the topic of people who make art out of lint. I think I must have scoffed at the idea, or at least expressed skepticism. But the A1 designer that night promised he would give me a piece of lint art if I slotted a story that would help him get his page proofs out before the local designer. I did, though not because of the lint bribe, and promptly forgot about it.
But now, a couple of months later, I get this from him:
And it's even framed. (It's abstract, in case you were wondering.)
And because of I doubted the power of lint to become art, one of the night metro editors decided she would create an homage to me in lint:
She apologized that the chin is weak -- she ran out of lint -- and said that she knows my eyes aren't blue, but that was the lint she had.
I choose to be flattered.
So let me admit publicly that dryer lint can indeed be made into art if you're crazy ... I mean, crafty.
No, I meant crazy.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
The times, they are a-changin' ...
I've been thinking a lot about change lately because a lot of it seems to be going on around me -- friends ending relationships, a bunch of co-workers leaving, a dear friend moving away and the end of a very close friendship.
I used to love change. The best part of college and high school was that every semester, you would get new classes -- a chance to do new things, meet new people, learn things you didn't know before. It was one of the big things I missed after college. In the working world, you don't get to meet new people every several months. That seemed sad.
But now I find myself a little wary of change. I'll never want my life to be stagnant, but lately I've been feeling the desire to be a little less transient. Moving every year will do that to you after awhile, I suppose. But the desire to put down roots is a little surprising for someone who's been a bit of a jet-setting bachelor. I'm actually thinking of buying a house next year. That requires a level of commitment to your place of living that I haven't really shown yet, so the idea is a little intimidating. But I think it's about time.
I've also been thinking about goodbyes lately. I'm not always very good at them. In "High Fidelity" style, my top four memorable goodbyes (many are close, but these stick out), though these aren't in any order:
1) Third grade: SG was my first close female friend. We used to play one-on-one kickball during recess (which is just as difficult as it sounds). And we had crushes on each other. When it was time to say goodbye, though, she went to hug me. I think I threw up her arms and walked away. Looking back, I suppose I just didn't want to give that final hug -- the indication that this was it.
It was an awful thing to do, and I apologized in the first letter I wrote her after the move. She said she understood -- I was a boy after all. But still, I know it hurt her.
I don't regret much in my life, figuring I learn even from the mistakes, but that's a moment I would take back if I could.
2) Fifth grade: D and I hung out for the last time, and as her mom dropped me off back at my house, D asked if I wanted to go for ice cream. I said I couldn't because we would be leaving soon. I actually didn't know, and had I asked, I'm sure it would have been fine. But again, I think I just couldn't bear to draw it out any longer, even though it would have been nice to have those few extra moments.
3) Leaving Duluth: A great lunch with good friends. And then a bitter dessert of tears. When the guys all get choked up with each other, you know it's gonna be messy when it's time to say goodbye to the girls. And it was. I was teary the whole drive out of town.
4) Just the other day: There have been times when I've said goodbye to people knowing I would probably never see them again, but it was comforting to know that we could at least keep in touch via e-mail or phone calls. I recently said goodbye to someone I care a lot about knowing that those would probably be the last words we would ever speak to each other, and it's much harder. Most of the time we say goodbye, but don't really mean it; it's more of a "see you later" or "talk to you later." Goodbye as really goodbye ... well, it sucks. But everything in life happens for a reason, and my hope is that this decision was for the best.
But goodbyes still suck.
I used to love change. The best part of college and high school was that every semester, you would get new classes -- a chance to do new things, meet new people, learn things you didn't know before. It was one of the big things I missed after college. In the working world, you don't get to meet new people every several months. That seemed sad.
But now I find myself a little wary of change. I'll never want my life to be stagnant, but lately I've been feeling the desire to be a little less transient. Moving every year will do that to you after awhile, I suppose. But the desire to put down roots is a little surprising for someone who's been a bit of a jet-setting bachelor. I'm actually thinking of buying a house next year. That requires a level of commitment to your place of living that I haven't really shown yet, so the idea is a little intimidating. But I think it's about time.
I've also been thinking about goodbyes lately. I'm not always very good at them. In "High Fidelity" style, my top four memorable goodbyes (many are close, but these stick out), though these aren't in any order:
1) Third grade: SG was my first close female friend. We used to play one-on-one kickball during recess (which is just as difficult as it sounds). And we had crushes on each other. When it was time to say goodbye, though, she went to hug me. I think I threw up her arms and walked away. Looking back, I suppose I just didn't want to give that final hug -- the indication that this was it.
It was an awful thing to do, and I apologized in the first letter I wrote her after the move. She said she understood -- I was a boy after all. But still, I know it hurt her.
I don't regret much in my life, figuring I learn even from the mistakes, but that's a moment I would take back if I could.
2) Fifth grade: D and I hung out for the last time, and as her mom dropped me off back at my house, D asked if I wanted to go for ice cream. I said I couldn't because we would be leaving soon. I actually didn't know, and had I asked, I'm sure it would have been fine. But again, I think I just couldn't bear to draw it out any longer, even though it would have been nice to have those few extra moments.
3) Leaving Duluth: A great lunch with good friends. And then a bitter dessert of tears. When the guys all get choked up with each other, you know it's gonna be messy when it's time to say goodbye to the girls. And it was. I was teary the whole drive out of town.
4) Just the other day: There have been times when I've said goodbye to people knowing I would probably never see them again, but it was comforting to know that we could at least keep in touch via e-mail or phone calls. I recently said goodbye to someone I care a lot about knowing that those would probably be the last words we would ever speak to each other, and it's much harder. Most of the time we say goodbye, but don't really mean it; it's more of a "see you later" or "talk to you later." Goodbye as really goodbye ... well, it sucks. But everything in life happens for a reason, and my hope is that this decision was for the best.
But goodbyes still suck.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Brian and the Chocolate Fountain
I'm normally fairly in my element at wedding receptions. I usually know a fair amount of the people and make friends easily. I dance with as many of the single ladies as possible. And I can be charming for a night. Any longer than that, and I'm in trouble, but for a night? No problem.
And you know how there's always that one guy at the reception who dances like a crazy man and clearly has no fear of embarrassment? I am often that guy (assuming no one else has beaten me to the role). At a wedding last summer, I was the one (OK, one of the two) doing crazy dances to a "Footloose" song and breaking out the dancing staples such as The Running Man, The Sprinkler, The Shopper, Starting the Lawn Mower, Slow Thriller and all the rest. And when the DJ declared an air guitar contest, I was the one who immediately hit my knees and slid out to the middle of the dance floor to make a spectacle of myself.
So it was a little weird to find myself as a bit of a wallflower at the wedding reception I attended this weekend. The guest list leaned heavily toward family, and the number of people about my age was probably only a dozen or so, only a few of whom I knew. And only a few of the women appeared to be single. And they all left rather early before I'd worked up the courage to ask them dance.
But I had also been distracted by the woman in charge of the chocolate fountain.
Yes, they had a chocolate fountain, where chocolate cascaded down for dipping all manner of delectable items. And next to it was a girl who seemed to be about my age -- cute; seemed friendly; knew the lyrics to most of the songs the DJ played and sang along; got teary-eyed during the father-bride dance and one of the toasts; had dark blond hair and brown eyes, a combination I've always found attractive; and had a killer smile, and I'm a sucker for a good smile.
I like chocolate. I like nice, cute girls. The whole setup seemed like a gift from God.
I bided my time, waiting for the initial crowds to pass to make my first impression. And I discussed with my two friends how I should play it. I wanted something boyishly charming -- something endearing, but not too suave. These were some of the ideas that were discarded:
1) Refined: Taste the chocolate and then say, "Mmm ... tastes like a Hershey's vintage. Maybe 2003? That was a good year for chocolate."
2) Classic: "You know, if I had made the alphabet, I would have put U and I together."
3) Contemporary: "If you were an item on a McDonald's menu, you'd be called McBeautiful."
4) Sympathetic: "So are you stuck sitting here all night just to make sure that there aren't any freak chocolate accidents or something?"
There were others, but they were even less memorable. I finally decided on an approach that would somehow involve being charmingly clueless about how the chocolate fountain worked. I had never actually seen one until that night, so it seemed easy to pull off. And I know women like a man who needs a little help every once and awhile. Then I could segue into more of a get-to-know-you conversation.
When I approached, she turned and smiled -- a good sign. I smiled back.
And then I sort of panicked.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was definitely not smooth. It may very well have been a series of grunts and pointing back and forth between the chocolate fountain and the strawberry I was holding. At any rate, she just said, "You're doing just fine," gave me a smile that said "Your idiocy would be cute if you were, oh, 5 years old" and turned her attention back to the dance floor.
I may have mumbled something and then made my way back to my table.
It's times like that that make me think of myself when I hear the John Mayer song "My Stupid Mouth."
I went back up there a couple of times during the night, but the vibe was clearly not there. So I merely pined from afar, as I'm wont to do anyhow.
I knew I should have gone with the McBeautiful line ...
And you know how there's always that one guy at the reception who dances like a crazy man and clearly has no fear of embarrassment? I am often that guy (assuming no one else has beaten me to the role). At a wedding last summer, I was the one (OK, one of the two) doing crazy dances to a "Footloose" song and breaking out the dancing staples such as The Running Man, The Sprinkler, The Shopper, Starting the Lawn Mower, Slow Thriller and all the rest. And when the DJ declared an air guitar contest, I was the one who immediately hit my knees and slid out to the middle of the dance floor to make a spectacle of myself.
So it was a little weird to find myself as a bit of a wallflower at the wedding reception I attended this weekend. The guest list leaned heavily toward family, and the number of people about my age was probably only a dozen or so, only a few of whom I knew. And only a few of the women appeared to be single. And they all left rather early before I'd worked up the courage to ask them dance.
But I had also been distracted by the woman in charge of the chocolate fountain.
Yes, they had a chocolate fountain, where chocolate cascaded down for dipping all manner of delectable items. And next to it was a girl who seemed to be about my age -- cute; seemed friendly; knew the lyrics to most of the songs the DJ played and sang along; got teary-eyed during the father-bride dance and one of the toasts; had dark blond hair and brown eyes, a combination I've always found attractive; and had a killer smile, and I'm a sucker for a good smile.
I like chocolate. I like nice, cute girls. The whole setup seemed like a gift from God.
I bided my time, waiting for the initial crowds to pass to make my first impression. And I discussed with my two friends how I should play it. I wanted something boyishly charming -- something endearing, but not too suave. These were some of the ideas that were discarded:
1) Refined: Taste the chocolate and then say, "Mmm ... tastes like a Hershey's vintage. Maybe 2003? That was a good year for chocolate."
2) Classic: "You know, if I had made the alphabet, I would have put U and I together."
3) Contemporary: "If you were an item on a McDonald's menu, you'd be called McBeautiful."
4) Sympathetic: "So are you stuck sitting here all night just to make sure that there aren't any freak chocolate accidents or something?"
There were others, but they were even less memorable. I finally decided on an approach that would somehow involve being charmingly clueless about how the chocolate fountain worked. I had never actually seen one until that night, so it seemed easy to pull off. And I know women like a man who needs a little help every once and awhile. Then I could segue into more of a get-to-know-you conversation.
When I approached, she turned and smiled -- a good sign. I smiled back.
And then I sort of panicked.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was definitely not smooth. It may very well have been a series of grunts and pointing back and forth between the chocolate fountain and the strawberry I was holding. At any rate, she just said, "You're doing just fine," gave me a smile that said "Your idiocy would be cute if you were, oh, 5 years old" and turned her attention back to the dance floor.
I may have mumbled something and then made my way back to my table.
It's times like that that make me think of myself when I hear the John Mayer song "My Stupid Mouth."
I went back up there a couple of times during the night, but the vibe was clearly not there. So I merely pined from afar, as I'm wont to do anyhow.
I knew I should have gone with the McBeautiful line ...
Friday, July 15, 2005
Flights of fancy
Does anyone else who watches "Lost" view plane flights differently now? I'm not scared that I'm going to crash or anything, but now every time I get on the plane, I find myself scoping out the other passengers and wondering, if we should crash on a mysterious island where polar bears and invisible man-eating monsters run amok, who among these people will make up the core group of characters that I will have to depend on?
Most of the time, I think I'd be screwed.
The in-flight magazine on my last flight had an article about Iceland and how they still believe in elves, gnomes, trolls, fairies, mountain spirits and 13 evil Santas. They also believe in ghosts and hidden beings that live in a parallel world to us but occasionally help people and eat pancakes. Many people genuinely believe in these creatures and will take major pains to avoid disturbing them. Others are skeptical, but find it best to act as if they do exist, just in case.
In a world driven by science and logic, and being of such ilk myself, I find it strangely comforting that there's still a land where people believe in magic and fairy tales -- in things unseen. It strikes me as having an element of faith to it, but without the frequent subversion that religion has endured. After all, no one ever went to war or killed anyone else because of a gnome.
And if it means you're a little more considerate of nature and have an active imagination, well, maybe we should all be so lucky as to believe in elves.
Most of the time, I think I'd be screwed.
The in-flight magazine on my last flight had an article about Iceland and how they still believe in elves, gnomes, trolls, fairies, mountain spirits and 13 evil Santas. They also believe in ghosts and hidden beings that live in a parallel world to us but occasionally help people and eat pancakes. Many people genuinely believe in these creatures and will take major pains to avoid disturbing them. Others are skeptical, but find it best to act as if they do exist, just in case.
In a world driven by science and logic, and being of such ilk myself, I find it strangely comforting that there's still a land where people believe in magic and fairy tales -- in things unseen. It strikes me as having an element of faith to it, but without the frequent subversion that religion has endured. After all, no one ever went to war or killed anyone else because of a gnome.
And if it means you're a little more considerate of nature and have an active imagination, well, maybe we should all be so lucky as to believe in elves.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
And now for a break in your regularly scheduled programming
I didn't do news in a nutshell this week. Just didn't get around to it. Sorry. I may not next week either cuz I'm going home for a few days.
But I'm posting tonight because I promised my friend Southern Belle* I would when I got home. (* Name may change at a later date. This is the fourth one I've decided on, but I think there might be something better. But I'm not thinking too clearly right now. I'm too sleepy. So it'll have to do for now. Sorry.)
Anywhooo. We went to the bar to shoot some pool after work but it was crowded and the table was taken. So instead I drank half a glass of hard cider and got a little tipsy. This should come as absolutely no surprise to those of you familiar with my alcohol intolerance. In my defense, I forgot to eat dinner at work except for some chicken noodle soup. But really, that's no defense and I'm prepared for the onslaught of snide remarks.
Anyhow, we saw embarrasingly dressed girls, including one with shorts that revealed things I'm pretty sure I should have only seen if I were married to her. Then we left, and Southern Belle was kind enough to drive me home even though I live on the other side of town from her just because I'd rather be safe than stupid.
Mostly, I oohed and aahed at the lightning and we listened to a very good CD by this guy. His name isn't Joshua Jackson, because that's Pacey from Dawson's Creek, and it was definitely not Pacey singing, but the name is something like that. It has a Joshua in it. Or a Jackson. Or something like that.
I also realized I have a hard time carrying a tune when I'm tipsy. Which is a good mental note for the next time I sing karaoke.
Anyhow, not-Pacey is cool. You should check him out.
There's really nothing more exciting to report. Hmmm ... sorry about that. I got tipsy and all you got was this lousy posting.
But I'm posting tonight because I promised my friend Southern Belle* I would when I got home. (* Name may change at a later date. This is the fourth one I've decided on, but I think there might be something better. But I'm not thinking too clearly right now. I'm too sleepy. So it'll have to do for now. Sorry.)
Anywhooo. We went to the bar to shoot some pool after work but it was crowded and the table was taken. So instead I drank half a glass of hard cider and got a little tipsy. This should come as absolutely no surprise to those of you familiar with my alcohol intolerance. In my defense, I forgot to eat dinner at work except for some chicken noodle soup. But really, that's no defense and I'm prepared for the onslaught of snide remarks.
Anyhow, we saw embarrasingly dressed girls, including one with shorts that revealed things I'm pretty sure I should have only seen if I were married to her. Then we left, and Southern Belle was kind enough to drive me home even though I live on the other side of town from her just because I'd rather be safe than stupid.
Mostly, I oohed and aahed at the lightning and we listened to a very good CD by this guy. His name isn't Joshua Jackson, because that's Pacey from Dawson's Creek, and it was definitely not Pacey singing, but the name is something like that. It has a Joshua in it. Or a Jackson. Or something like that.
I also realized I have a hard time carrying a tune when I'm tipsy. Which is a good mental note for the next time I sing karaoke.
Anyhow, not-Pacey is cool. You should check him out.
There's really nothing more exciting to report. Hmmm ... sorry about that. I got tipsy and all you got was this lousy posting.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Not such a small state when you're biking
When I decided to go up to Providence, RI, to visit a friend of mine for the Fourth of July, she suggested we could bike to the nearby town of Bristol to see the nation's oldest July Fourth parade. She figured it was about 12 miles one way. I figured I could handle that, although I warned her that I wasn't in very good shape and would probably be pretty slow, seeing as how I hadn't been to the gym in several months.
She said it wasn't a problem, she wouldn't be going that fast either.
She teaches aerobics, though, so I probably should have known better.
As it ends up, the bike ride was 35 miles roundtrip. I can honestly say that my rear end has never hurt so badly as it began to while I was on that bike ride. (And I once accidentally stabbed myself in the butt with a pencil.)
At a certain point in the trip, I began to spend a lot of time talking to God. Partially, I was asking for strength.
Mostly, I was seeing if there was any way God could turn my bike into a winged Pegasus.
Or a regular horse. It didn't have to have wings.
I wasn't being picky.
Sadly, it did not happen.
Eventually, small children began to pass me on their bikes. Then elderly people on bikes. Then elderly people with walkers.
I got into town half an hour after my friend and her boyfriend who, thankfully, was accompanying us and could keep her company while I panted behind. We saw the nation's oldest Fourth of July parade, which, at almost three hours long, should also be billed as the nation's longest parade.
But it gave me a nice break and there were guys dressed up like revolutionaries that fired muskets that frightened little children, and that's not something you normally see at a parade.
Strangely, the ride back didn't seem as bad. Maybe it was because I didn't feel in such a hurry. Or perhaps by that time, pain had simply become a familiar mistress.
But I survived and was not nearly as debilitated as I thought I might be the next day. And the trip was a fun one. But next time someone suggests biking somewhere that's not next door ...
I'm holding out for that Pegasus.
She said it wasn't a problem, she wouldn't be going that fast either.
She teaches aerobics, though, so I probably should have known better.
As it ends up, the bike ride was 35 miles roundtrip. I can honestly say that my rear end has never hurt so badly as it began to while I was on that bike ride. (And I once accidentally stabbed myself in the butt with a pencil.)
At a certain point in the trip, I began to spend a lot of time talking to God. Partially, I was asking for strength.
Mostly, I was seeing if there was any way God could turn my bike into a winged Pegasus.
Or a regular horse. It didn't have to have wings.
I wasn't being picky.
Sadly, it did not happen.
Eventually, small children began to pass me on their bikes. Then elderly people on bikes. Then elderly people with walkers.
I got into town half an hour after my friend and her boyfriend who, thankfully, was accompanying us and could keep her company while I panted behind. We saw the nation's oldest Fourth of July parade, which, at almost three hours long, should also be billed as the nation's longest parade.
But it gave me a nice break and there were guys dressed up like revolutionaries that fired muskets that frightened little children, and that's not something you normally see at a parade.
Strangely, the ride back didn't seem as bad. Maybe it was because I didn't feel in such a hurry. Or perhaps by that time, pain had simply become a familiar mistress.
But I survived and was not nearly as debilitated as I thought I might be the next day. And the trip was a fun one. But next time someone suggests biking somewhere that's not next door ...
I'm holding out for that Pegasus.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
News of note: June 26-July 2
News of note is on hiatus this week, although the big story is Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's unexpected resignation. And because she's a moderate, you can expect quite a battle in the nation's capital over her replacement.
Sounds like fun.
Until then, have a happy Fourth, everyone!
Sounds like fun.
Until then, have a happy Fourth, everyone!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
30 Days
If you're not watching "30 Days," a new TV show on F/X (10 p.m. ET Wednesdays, and rerun throughout the week), you need to check it out. It's made by Morgan Spurlock, who made the documentary "Supersize Me" about what would happen if he ate only McDonald's for a month. (The results were not pretty, as you might imagine.) Unlike Michael Moore and his guerrilla, gotcha-style film-making, Spurlock seems more curious than anything else. The first episode, which I regrettably missed, had he and his fiancee trying to get by on minimum wage jobs for 30 days. The second episode showed a guy who wanted to regain his youth through steroids, growth hormones and a variety of other means for 30 days. And the most recent episode had a Christian living among Muslims for 30 days, which was a great episode. By the end of it, it's not a total turnaround for the guy -- you can see he still has some prejudices -- but after getting to know some Muslims and being on the receiving end of vilification (he had to dress as a Muslim), he does come to the realization that not all Muslims are extremists and terrorists.
In a TV schedule full of things like "I Want to be a Hilton" and "Fear Factor," it's nice to see a show that actually makes people stop and think about some of society's issues.
In a TV schedule full of things like "I Want to be a Hilton" and "Fear Factor," it's nice to see a show that actually makes people stop and think about some of society's issues.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
News in a nutshell: June 19-25
Sound smart
The House on Wednesday passed a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. The measure will move on to the Senate and, if approved, to the states for ratification. This has certainly become more prevalent lately in other countries, particularly Iraq, so it's good that we're squashing it now. Wait -- what? Our laws don't apply to other countries? They're just freely expressing themselves? Well who the hell went and gave them democracy?
The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 on Thursday that cities can use eminent domain to take people's houses if there will be an economic benefit. (Before, the general rule was that eminent domain could be used to take over property only in cases of blight or for public use, such as highways or railroads.) I don't know about anyone else, but I'd sure like to find out where the justices live, because I bet those properties would make some mighty fine shopping malls.
Boring, but important
The Pentagon is using a private company to keep a database that has personal information about millions of youth. The information includes Social Security numbers among other things, and the files are intended to help with recruiting. And I think if there's one thing the recent credit card debacle has taught us, it's that using private companies to keep sensitive data will never be problematic.
And now for some good news
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Detroit Pistons 81-74 in Game 7 of the NBA finals. OK, I guess that's not really good news if you're from Detroit. Or if you have any ties to Detroit. Or if you hate San Antonio. Or if you just don't care about the NBA in general.
GEEZ! What do you people want from me?!?
What the ...?!?
A recent scientific study finds that individual cells in your brain can recognize celebrities. I'm actually thinking of trying to make some money off of this: Celebrities must donate a certain amount of money for each cell that remembers them. The more they donate, the more brain cells they get and the better the cells remember the celeb. I think I'll call it "cerebretology."
Snapple tried to create the world's largest ice pop (Popsicle is a trademark, so I can't use it without getting sued) in New York City on Tuesday. It would have been 25-feet-tall ... had they not decided to put it up in the middle of a sunny, 80-degree day. It melted. And the streets ran red with kiwi-strawberry juice.
I swear, I'm not making this up: A Russian woman has sued NASA over its plan to launch a probe into a comet on July 4. She wants to stop the probe and -- surprise, surprise -- is asking for $311 million in "moral" damages. The woman says the mission could disrupt mystical forces and create an open season on celestial objects. Fortunately, comet hunting season is only two weeks long and requires a permit. But danged if those things aren't hard to take down.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Selling out to the Dark Side
Is anyone else a little unnerved by how many products Darth Vader seems to be promoting lately? I've seen him in the Burger King commercials and on cookie packages and other things like that. But I finally got fed up when I saw Darth Vader on a box of Cheez-Its the other day. Cheez-Its?!? I'm sorry, but Darth Vader does NOT eat Cheez-Its. I don't think he even eats. He's supposed to be one of the great movie villains of all time and now he's schilling products left and right. It's enough to make James Earl Jones scream (in a really corny way): "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"
They say that evil doesn't pay, but clearly, they're not taking into account endorsement deals.
They say that evil doesn't pay, but clearly, they're not taking into account endorsement deals.
Monday, June 20, 2005
News in a nutshell: June 12-18
Sound smart
The media orgy known as the Michael Jackson trial ended Monday when the singer was acquitted of molestation and other related charges against him. The media began to come down from its binge of postulations, sensationalism and inane analysis, and they began to panic: What now? What could possibly fill this void left in our 24-hour news cycles? Surely, there must be another star they could focus on, another circus to create...
Those prayers were answered Friday when Tom Cruise asked Katie Holmes to marry him atop the Eiffel Tower in France. And the media beast calmed -- its ravenous hunger for celebrity gossip sated yet again.
Hackers stole the numbers of as many as 40 million credit cards. MasterCard was the first to announce the breach, saying about 14 million of its cards were exposed, though it later said that only 68,000 card holders were at "higher levels of risk." There are some things money can't buy ... apparently, a secure network is one of them.
Boring, but important
On Wednesday, the House of Representatives voted to limit part of the USA Patriot Act (which, if you want the world's most labored acronym, stands for Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism). The House voted to curb the agency's ability to see what books a person has checked out from the library or bought from a bookstore. No doubt most of those "nay" votes come from politicians who don't want anyone to know they're reading "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."
And now for some good news
Paris Hilton told Newsweek she's planning to retire from public life in two years. I have no idea what this means, seeing as how she doesn't do anything now, but I can only hope that it's true. And if she could please take Britney Spears with her, that would be wonderful.
What the ...?!?
According to a recent study, gum is the No. 1 snack in America, far ahead of chocolate and fresh fruit, which occupy the No. 2 and 3 spots, respectively. But gum manufacturers are not content and are working on new types of gum as we speak, including chocolate-flavored gum; gum with caffeine, vitamins or Viagara (seriously); and even religious-minded gum in the shape of a Christian fish symbol with a Bible verse inside the tin. No doubt also on the list: Communion gum. "And as he opened the pack and offered it to the disciples, Jesus said, 'Chew this, in remembrance of me.' " Just be sure not to get that mixed up with the Viagara gum.
Boston and Boulder, Colo., are the two top cities for marijuana use, according to the government. Apparently, college students are more likely to smoke weed. This study was brought to you by the National Obvious Department for Useless Hogwash, or NODUH.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
News in a nutshell: 6/5-6/11
Sound smart
A task force made several recommendations about how to improve elections. Proposed changes include extending the voting period over several weeks, sharing voter registration information between states and using vote centers rather than local precincts. Also it would help to not always have to choose between -- in the words of "South Park" -- a douche bag and a giant turd.
A detailed survey of the United States' mental health found that the country is poised to rank No. 1 for mental illness in the world. We're No. 1! We're No. 1! And with our multiple personalities, we're also Nos. 2-9. Go us!
A group of dolphins off the coast of Australia were discovered to be using sea sponges as tools while searching for food. They also use them as clown noses to make each other laugh.
Boring, but important
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that terminally ill patients who use medicinal marijuana can be prosecuted for violating federal drug laws, regardless of whether a state law allows it. (Insert own pun here involving "gone to pot," "High Court" or "joint decision." Or just go grab something to satisfy those munchies.)
And now for some good news
On Sunday night, "Doubt" won best play at the 2005 Tonys. "Monty Python's Spamalot" won best musical. And ... I'm sorry, this really should have gone under "Boring, but important."
What the ...?!?
New Jersey police were surprised to find that the head of a prostitution ring was allegedly an 80-year-old woman. She admitted that she ran the business from her two-bedroom apartment and said she needed money to subsidize her Social Security checks. Seriously. I'm not making that up.
A University of California graduate student built a three-wheeled cart that can be driven by a cockroach. Because what cockroaches really need are vehicles. Gee, maybe we could give them armored vehicles with weapons systems next. Thanks for nothing, science.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Kids these days and their new-fangled roller coasters
I went to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Va., yesterday and came upon a disturbing discovery:
I can't really handle roller coasters anymore.
I first noticed it last year, when I would be a little wobbly after each time I rode a ride. But it was even worse this year. I love roller coasters, but they seem to totally throw my body out of whack now.
One of the people I was with yesterday said that he was a little wobbly getting off the rides too, which had never happened to him before. I told him I was that way last year and it was only going to get worse.
He mentioned that he was that way with swings as well. He used to be able to swing as high as he wanted and jump off. But no more. I'm the same way. Going too high in a swing is actually unnerving now. It's terribly sad.
I feel like I'm a few steps shy of writing cranky letters to the editor, being able to predict the weather based on how my knee feels and telling kids what things were like "in my day."
I can't really handle roller coasters anymore.
I first noticed it last year, when I would be a little wobbly after each time I rode a ride. But it was even worse this year. I love roller coasters, but they seem to totally throw my body out of whack now.
One of the people I was with yesterday said that he was a little wobbly getting off the rides too, which had never happened to him before. I told him I was that way last year and it was only going to get worse.
He mentioned that he was that way with swings as well. He used to be able to swing as high as he wanted and jump off. But no more. I'm the same way. Going too high in a swing is actually unnerving now. It's terribly sad.
I feel like I'm a few steps shy of writing cranky letters to the editor, being able to predict the weather based on how my knee feels and telling kids what things were like "in my day."
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
The case of the disappearing oil
Yes, believe it or not, I'm still trying to post things other than the news in a nutshell. I just haven't been too good about that lately. Sorry.
Anyhow, I went to get my oil changed last week and the mechanic looked at it and said, "There's nothing in here."
"Excuse me?" I said, somewhat incredulously.
"It's empty. You've got no oil." And he showed me. Sure enough, no oil.
This was vexing for several reasons, not the least of which was the possibility of my engine seizing up and my bank account emptying out. I had just checked the oil about two weeks ago and it was fine.
I hadn't noticed any leaks. I park in the same spot in front of my apartment building everyday, and I later confirmed that there was not, in fact, any oil leaking. This leaves the option that the car is burning oil. But it seemed like I would notice it burning that much oil, as well, what with all the smoke and rank smell that would accompany it.
So I took it to the local Saturn dealership to see what was the matter. I've not been impressed with them in the past, but they were nearby, so I figured what the heck.
After about two hours, I was reminded why I don't like them.
Their solution: They put some more oil in it and said to come back in 500 miles and they could see if it was leaking or anything.
Like I couldn't have done that myself.
That was last Wednesday. I checked the oil level again today and it's fine. Totally fine.
There are some people who will tell you that a car is a lot like a woman -- treat them well and take care of them, and they'll do the same for you. But there's another similarity:
I don't understand either one of them.
Anyhow, I went to get my oil changed last week and the mechanic looked at it and said, "There's nothing in here."
"Excuse me?" I said, somewhat incredulously.
"It's empty. You've got no oil." And he showed me. Sure enough, no oil.
This was vexing for several reasons, not the least of which was the possibility of my engine seizing up and my bank account emptying out. I had just checked the oil about two weeks ago and it was fine.
I hadn't noticed any leaks. I park in the same spot in front of my apartment building everyday, and I later confirmed that there was not, in fact, any oil leaking. This leaves the option that the car is burning oil. But it seemed like I would notice it burning that much oil, as well, what with all the smoke and rank smell that would accompany it.
So I took it to the local Saturn dealership to see what was the matter. I've not been impressed with them in the past, but they were nearby, so I figured what the heck.
After about two hours, I was reminded why I don't like them.
Their solution: They put some more oil in it and said to come back in 500 miles and they could see if it was leaking or anything.
Like I couldn't have done that myself.
That was last Wednesday. I checked the oil level again today and it's fine. Totally fine.
There are some people who will tell you that a car is a lot like a woman -- treat them well and take care of them, and they'll do the same for you. But there's another similarity:
I don't understand either one of them.
Monday, June 06, 2005
News in a nutshell: 5/29-6/4
Sound smart
Of course, the biggest news of the week was the discovery of the identity of Deep Throat: Linda Lovelace.
Oops, sorry, I was looking at the wrong Web site ...
Ahem. The secret source that helped Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein uncover the Watergate scandal was revealed to be former FBI official W. Mark Felt. The icon was outed by his family in a Vanity Fair article basically because Felt's family members wanted to cash in on their father's identity. The revelation met with mixed reactions, including those who called Felt a traitor and a "snake." Because surely the last thing we want in our society are people who will tell the truth about corruption in the government.
Speaking of people trying to make money off their family members, a book was published last week by three siblings who say DNA tests have confirmed they are the out-of-wedlock children of American aviator Charles Lindbergh. (Bastards.) They also say Lindbergh had two children with their mother's sister and two children with his German secretary. That's seven illegitimate kids, for those of you keeping score at home. Meanwhile, Ben Franklin's descendants laughed and said of Lindbergh: "Amateur."
The French and Dutch rejected the European Union's constitution, which must be approved by all 25 member nations. The constitution was designed to create more cohesion in the EU, but critics in France said it would open up the country to the influence of less powerful countries. The French then thumbed their noses at the EU and said, "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
On Thursday, Jennifer Wilbanks, aka the "Runaway Bride," pleaded no contest to faking her abduction and was fined $2,550 (on top of the $13,250 she has already paid) and sentenced to 120 hours of community service and two years of probation. She must also continue her mental health treatment. The judge also ordered her to sit through every made-for-TV-movie that her escapade will inspire, though her attorneys have appealed this, calling it cruel and unusual.
On June 15, airlines will have to start reporting how many pets are killed, lost or hurt on their flights. It's estimated that 2 million animals fly every year, though that number goes up significantly once they start serving alcohol.
Boring, but important
On Thursday, President Bush nominated Republican Rep. Christopher Cox to head the Securities and Exchange Commission. The SEC is in charge of protecting investors and maintaining the integrity of the securities market and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
And now for some good news
Danica Patrick finished fourth in the Indy 500 on Sunday, the highest a woman has ever finished the race. I think some guy won the thing, but nobody was really watching him.
Danielle Fisher, 20, reached the top of Mount Everest last week and became the youngest person to climb the highest peaks on every continent. Unfortunately, it's pretty much all downhill for her from here.
On Monday, Miss Canada was crowned the new Miss Universe. No hyperbole there ...
On Thursday, eighth-grader Anurag Kashyap became the U.S. spelling champ after correctly spelling "appoggiatura." Upon winning, Anurag said he felt "just pure happiness. H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S. Happiness."
What the ...?!?
The chicken that crossed the road just to get a ticket had its $54 citation dismissed by a judge. The defense attorney argued that the chicken was domesticated and the law prohibits only livestock on highways. So ... apparently the chicken is a pet now? As if the whole thing weren't weird enough. (I'd like to point out that I refrained from making any "fowl" puns.)
A University of Virginia study has found that popular teenagers are more likely to drink, smoke marijuana, shoplift and vandalize property than their less-popular peers. This finally proves that, yes, all the cool kids really are doing it.
Subway announced Thursday that it's ending its Sub Club promotion -- where customers get a stamp for every 6-inch sub they buy and get a free sub after eight stamps on their card. Apparently, counterfeiters were making copies of the stamps and cards and selling them online. Seriously? These people have all this counterfeiting knowledge and they're using it to get free SANDWICHES?!?! Way to aim high, guys. What's next? Counterfeit library cards?
In Russia, a 48-foot-deep lake simply disappeared over a few hours. Officials believe it was sucked into a subterranean cavern and later flowed into a nearby river. The local villagers kept telling their kids not to pull on the giant plug at the bottom of the lake, but noooo ... they just had to see what would happen.
And finally, rich and famous heiress Paris Hilton got engaged to a rich and famous heir also named Paris (Latsis). This should be an interesting test of whether you can base a marriage on narcissism.
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