News in a nutshell: June 12-18

Sound smart
The media orgy known as the Michael Jackson trial ended Monday when the singer was acquitted of molestation and other related charges against him. The media began to come down from its binge of postulations, sensationalism and inane analysis, and they began to panic: What now? What could possibly fill this void left in our 24-hour news cycles? Surely, there must be another star they could focus on, another circus to create...

Those prayers were answered Friday when Tom Cruise asked Katie Holmes to marry him atop the Eiffel Tower in France. And the media beast calmed -- its ravenous hunger for celebrity gossip sated yet again.


Hackers stole the numbers of as many as 40 million credit cards. MasterCard was the first to announce the breach, saying about 14 million of its cards were exposed, though it later said that only 68,000 card holders were at "higher levels of risk." There are some things money can't buy ... apparently, a secure network is one of them.


Boring, but important
On Wednesday, the House of Representatives voted to limit part of the USA Patriot Act (which, if you want the world's most labored acronym, stands for Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism). The House voted to curb the agency's ability to see what books a person has checked out from the library or bought from a bookstore. No doubt most of those "nay" votes come from politicians who don't want anyone to know they're reading "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."


And now for some good news
Paris Hilton told Newsweek she's planning to retire from public life in two years. I have no idea what this means, seeing as how she doesn't do anything now, but I can only hope that it's true. And if she could please take Britney Spears with her, that would be wonderful.

What the ...?!?
According to a recent study, gum is the No. 1 snack in America, far ahead of chocolate and fresh fruit, which occupy the No. 2 and 3 spots, respectively. But gum manufacturers are not content and are working on new types of gum as we speak, including chocolate-flavored gum; gum with caffeine, vitamins or Viagara (seriously); and even religious-minded gum in the shape of a Christian fish symbol with a Bible verse inside the tin. No doubt also on the list: Communion gum. "And as he opened the pack and offered it to the disciples, Jesus said, 'Chew this, in remembrance of me.' " Just be sure not to get that mixed up with the Viagara gum.

Boston and Boulder, Colo., are the two top cities for marijuana use, according to the government. Apparently, college students are more likely to smoke weed. This study was brought to you by the National Obvious Department for Useless Hogwash, or NODUH.