News in a nutshell: Aug. 8-14

Sound smart
An impromptu strike by members of an airline catering company dominoed into a strike that shut down Heathrow Airport in London last week and left tens of thousands of people stranded at the airport and around the world. And you thought it was bad when all the catering company did was give you a dry, tasteless sandwich that cost $7. But don't worry! The airlines provided stranded passengers with, I kid you not, a jazz trio to pass the time.
And the airlines wonder why they're going bankrupt.

President Bush hinted that if Iran didn't stop its nuclear program, it might be next on the U.S.'s hit list, saying that, if diplomacy fails, "all options are on the table." The U.S. seems willing to attack because officials believe Iran is using its nuclear program to make weapons of mass destruction. Or that at least it has programs to create weapons of mass destruction. Or it's the humanitarian thing to do because Iran's leader is a bad man. Or maybe it's just because we're already over there and, what the hell?!? At this point, all excuses are on the table.

Thieves got away with $67.8 million after they spent three months digging a 262-foot tunnel underneath a street next to the Central Bank Building in Brazil and burrowing up underneath the vault. Anybody else smell the plot for "Ocean's 13"? (Where, of course, George Clooney will have to pretend to be George Clooney in order to help the gang get away with their thievery. It's brilliant, I tell you, brilliant!)


Boring, but important
The government tightened regulations for Accutane, an acne drug, to ensure that women who use it don't get pregnant. Unfortunately, this puts users who want children in a bit of a Catch-22 because if they use Accutane, it causes birth defects. And if they don't use it, well, they can't get anyone to sleep with them.

After much criticism, an abortion-rights group pulled a TV ad that basically said Supreme Court nominee John Roberts supported abortion clinic bombings. Of course, the law brief in question was written seven years before the bombing it supposedly supported. But really, I think this just points out a greater danger to our country: John Roberts can clearly travel through time. And do we really want a time traveler on the Supreme Court?
I didn't think so.


Sorry to tell you
If you follow the news, you may remember a lonely elderly man in Rome who took out a newspaper ad last year offering himself up for adoption as a grandfather. It was very touching and an Italian family offered to take him in and the whole thing was very heartwarming.
Except it ends up that apparently Grandpa bamboozled the family out of a bunch of money and was a total fraud. And now he's disappeared, but he's believed to have suckered other families as well. And if that is not just totally disheartening, I don't know what is.

John Johnson, an influential black leader and the publisher of Jet and Ebony magazines, died Monday at age 87 of heart failure.

A Greek airliner crashed into a hillside Sunday killing all 121 people aboard. It's thought that a sudden loss of cabin pressure incapacitated both pilots and possibly everyone else on board, though officials are still trying to figure out how such a malfunction could have happened.


But now for some good news
Scientists said on Wednesday that they had mapped the complete genetic code of rice, something they hope will help efforts to feed the hungry. But you want to know something really surprising? The number of genes in rice: about 37,500. The number of genes in humans: 20,000-25,000. Rice is more genetically complicated than we are. Granted, if you put me a steamer, I don't get all tasty like rice (I don't think), but I still found that rather disconcerting.

For the first time, a woman has been appointed head chef at the White House.
Ah, yes, the Bush administration -- proud to be putting women back in the kitchen.

"American Idol" judge Paula Abdul has been cleared of allegations of an improper relationship with former contestant Corey Clark and will remain a judge on the for-some-reason-popular TV show.
I don't get it. I mean, why would Clark, who auditioned for the show in a desperate attempt to become famous and who was kicked off the show for not telling anyone he had once been arrested, make up lies about having an affair with Paula Abdul?!? It makes no sense, people! Up is down, black is white, cats and dogs are sleeping together ... !!! Why does nothing make sense anymore ... why?!?!? (sobs)

What the ...?!?
Researchers at MIT have invented something called the "Jerk-O-Meter" that detects when the person on the other end of a phone conversation is faking interest.
And, suddenly, boyfriends and husbands everywhere began to panic.

Soldiers in Afghanistan are using donkeys to transport supplies during its operation to battle militants. DONKEYS?!?! The troops in Iraq don't have body armor and the troops in Afghanistan are using donkeys. But don't worry, the Pentagon has promised that improved equipment is being shipped out as we speak.
Of course, it's being sent via carrier pigeon, so it could take awhile to get there.