News in a nutshell: Aug. 15-21

Sound smart
Iraqi leaders failed to meet Monday's deadline to finish their constitution, and so extended the deadline by a week. Depending on which official you talked to, the reason for the delay included a sandstorm, a dead grandmother or a ravenous dog. But one source, who preferred to remain anonymous blamed the negotiators' process of writing the constitution: 10 minutes of writing, followed by 10 minutes of playing video games, followed by 10 minutes of writing, followed by 15 minutes of e-mailing, followed by 10 minutes of writing, followed by 30 minutes of watching TV. A good deal of time was also spent debating on whether to make the constitution double-spaced and how wide they could make the margins before anyone noticed.

Israeli soldiers began the forced removal of Israeli settlers in the Gaza Strip on Wednesday, a process that is continuing this week. I find myself unable to joke because the whole thing has produced so many heartbreaking scenes. Although I believe it will be for the best in the long run, it's still difficult to fathom being forced from your home. And I have to commend both the soldiers, who have endured taunts and violence without responding in kind, for the way they've done their job, and the settlers who have, for the most part, refrained from resorting to violence either. May some good come of this...

A 7.2 magnitude earthquake struck Japan on Tuesday and injured dozens, though no one was killed. The epicenter was about 50 miles off the coast where Godzilla was believed to be doing battle with Megalon.


Boring, but important
A recent study found that some beachgoers are actually addicted to tanning and can't quit despite the known health problems. Warning signs are lying about your tanning to others, skipping work to tan and frequently being tan before noon.


But now for some good news
It turns out gossip may actually be a good thing. At least, that's what I heard. I don't really know if it's true.

What the ...?!?
A school district's offer of used iBook laptops for $50 near Richmond, Va., resulted in a melee Tuesday. More than 5,000 people showed up to get one of the 1,000 computers being offered. Many had been waiting for hours before the gates opened; one woman peed herself just to keep her spot in line. And when the gates opened, the mad rush began, with people getting trampled, other people trying to drive cars through the crowd and one guy who felt justified swinging a chair at other people. You'd think they were selling Tickle-Me Elmos ...

Some ecologists have suggested relocating wild animals from Africa, such as lions, cheetahs, camels and elephants, to the Great Plains of the U.S. Add some flying monkeys, and maybe Oz won't be so different from Kansas after all.

Three Polish researchers were rescued from an Arctic island as hungry polar bears were closing in on them. And even when the bears are old and senile, they'll still be bragging to their friends about the ones that got away. Except by then, it'll be more like 20 researchers who each weighed about 300 pounds of tasty goodness.

The government's "no-fly list," which contains names of suspected terrorists, has been successful at keeping a number of toddlers off flights because their names are similar to or the same as those on the watch list. Which is probably a good reason not to name your baby Osama bin Laden. But I think this could be the beginning of something even better: Can we use this technology to create a list of babies who will scream for the duration of a flight and keep them from boarding? Because I think that would be a public service.