Playing with my food

Here's an interesting experiment to try:

Take a small, airtight Tupperware-like container and fill it with pineapple slices. Put the lid on and make sure it's sealed well. And then wait. After awhile (about an hour, depending on the size of the container and the amount of pineapple), it will blow its top. And not like in an "oops, did I leave this container open because the top is slightly ajar" sort of way. It launches off of there in a "HOLY CRAP! Someone's gonna lose an eye!" sort of way. And with a very large "POP" to boot.

I discovered this tonight at work, and the first time, no one paid much attention and I'm not sure they believed me when I mentioned what happened. So I sealed it back up and put it more prominently on my desk. Sure enough, about an hour or so later, the pineapple went off, jolting half the copy desk. It was like a really cool party trick.

I'm guessing the pineapple releases some sort of gas or something that builds pressure in the container over time, but it makes me a little nervous about eating pineapple now. I mean, eat too much and who's to say my head doesn't just explode or something?

On the other hand, I could totally take this trick on the road.
"Come one, come all! See the amazing jumping pineapples! You won't believe your eyes!*"

Pineapples ... man, those are some feisty fruits.


*Not responsible for lost or damaged eyes.

Romantic comedy de la semaine

My thoughts on "Must Love Dogs" are up at GigMatrix.

Video game players only love you when they're playing

... I don't actually know what the title of this post means, but it struck me as funny. Weird funny or ha-ha funny -- I'm not sure.

At any rate, on GigMatrix, Rob references a great commentary piece about the controversy over video games and their effect on children. Give it a read. I think the point about games becoming more complicated and mentally stimulating is a valid one. Of course, so is the point about obesity, but hey, there are games for that, too. At any rate, there is a definite learning curve to video games and that must count for something.

In other entertainment news, I finally saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" last week and it totally rocked the house. If anyone knows of an opening for a totally cool, kick-butt assassin, I'd like to apply. And while I still don't quite understand all the fuss about Angelina Jolie, I can kind of see the appeal. And I have to admit, if I had a man-crush, it might very well be on Brad Pitt.

I'm secure enough to admit that.

I also saw "Fantastic Four" today for no particular reason than it beat doing anything outside because somehow the Earth and the sun seem to have gotten their temperatures mixed up. It was not particularly good. I actually agree with everything Reuben said -- the best part was the trailer for "Transporter 2."

They kept giving little science lessons during the movie but then their big climactic battle relies on The Human Torch going "supernova," which really just looks like a tornado of fire, while The Invisible Girl creates a force field around it to protect Earth from being destroyed. But the whole time I kept thinking: "What does science tell us happens to fire when it's put in an airtight container? Wouldn't Johnny eat up all the oxygen in the forcefield, thus extinguishing the flame and causing himself to suffocate? It seemed like there might have been an opening at the top of the forcefield, but then why didn't everyone burn up? And if Susan can only bend the light around her anyhow, how does that create forcefields? And why does going supernova only kind of melt the asphalt in the road? That thing whole area should be freakin' lava. Maybe when they said The Human Torch could go 'supernova,' what they meant was 'really hot oven.' "

Whoa. Sorry, I kind of geeked out there for a minute.

I also saw "Zoolander" for the first time today and didn't really get it. I mean, parts of it were funny, but for the most part -- eh. I don't see what all the fuss is about. (Oh ... snap.)

Also, is it overindulgent to buy a whole pie for one's self? I ... er, I mean, I have a friend who went to the grocery store today and bought himself an entire chocolate meringue pie on a whim. It's not to take to any sort of function and no one is coming over. It's just to snack on. He feels sort of gluttonous on the one hand. But on the other ...

Mmm ... chocolate pie.

The season of lint

Two unrelated things first:
1) I'm going to try to do news of note tomorrow sometime, I swear.
2) Check out GigMatrix for my thoughts on the movie "Wedding Crashers."

Now for the main event:

Awhile back at work, somehow we got on the topic of people who make art out of lint. I think I must have scoffed at the idea, or at least expressed skepticism. But the A1 designer that night promised he would give me a piece of lint art if I slotted a story that would help him get his page proofs out before the local designer. I did, though not because of the lint bribe, and promptly forgot about it.

But now, a couple of months later, I get this from him:




And it's even framed. (It's abstract, in case you were wondering.)

And because of I doubted the power of lint to become art, one of the night metro editors decided she would create an homage to me in lint:




She apologized that the chin is weak -- she ran out of lint -- and said that she knows my eyes aren't blue, but that was the lint she had.

I choose to be flattered.

So let me admit publicly that dryer lint can indeed be made into art if you're crazy ... I mean, crafty.

No, I meant crazy.

The times, they are a-changin' ...

I've been thinking a lot about change lately because a lot of it seems to be going on around me -- friends ending relationships, a bunch of co-workers leaving, a dear friend moving away and the end of a very close friendship.

I used to love change. The best part of college and high school was that every semester, you would get new classes -- a chance to do new things, meet new people, learn things you didn't know before. It was one of the big things I missed after college. In the working world, you don't get to meet new people every several months. That seemed sad.

But now I find myself a little wary of change. I'll never want my life to be stagnant, but lately I've been feeling the desire to be a little less transient. Moving every year will do that to you after awhile, I suppose. But the desire to put down roots is a little surprising for someone who's been a bit of a jet-setting bachelor. I'm actually thinking of buying a house next year. That requires a level of commitment to your place of living that I haven't really shown yet, so the idea is a little intimidating. But I think it's about time.

I've also been thinking about goodbyes lately. I'm not always very good at them. In "High Fidelity" style, my top four memorable goodbyes (many are close, but these stick out), though these aren't in any order:

1) Third grade: SG was my first close female friend. We used to play one-on-one kickball during recess (which is just as difficult as it sounds). And we had crushes on each other. When it was time to say goodbye, though, she went to hug me. I think I threw up her arms and walked away. Looking back, I suppose I just didn't want to give that final hug -- the indication that this was it.
It was an awful thing to do, and I apologized in the first letter I wrote her after the move. She said she understood -- I was a boy after all. But still, I know it hurt her.
I don't regret much in my life, figuring I learn even from the mistakes, but that's a moment I would take back if I could.

2) Fifth grade: D and I hung out for the last time, and as her mom dropped me off back at my house, D asked if I wanted to go for ice cream. I said I couldn't because we would be leaving soon. I actually didn't know, and had I asked, I'm sure it would have been fine. But again, I think I just couldn't bear to draw it out any longer, even though it would have been nice to have those few extra moments.

3) Leaving Duluth: A great lunch with good friends. And then a bitter dessert of tears. When the guys all get choked up with each other, you know it's gonna be messy when it's time to say goodbye to the girls. And it was. I was teary the whole drive out of town.

4) Just the other day: There have been times when I've said goodbye to people knowing I would probably never see them again, but it was comforting to know that we could at least keep in touch via e-mail or phone calls. I recently said goodbye to someone I care a lot about knowing that those would probably be the last words we would ever speak to each other, and it's much harder. Most of the time we say goodbye, but don't really mean it; it's more of a "see you later" or "talk to you later." Goodbye as really goodbye ... well, it sucks. But everything in life happens for a reason, and my hope is that this decision was for the best.

But goodbyes still suck.

Brian and the Chocolate Fountain

I'm normally fairly in my element at wedding receptions. I usually know a fair amount of the people and make friends easily. I dance with as many of the single ladies as possible. And I can be charming for a night. Any longer than that, and I'm in trouble, but for a night? No problem.

And you know how there's always that one guy at the reception who dances like a crazy man and clearly has no fear of embarrassment? I am often that guy (assuming no one else has beaten me to the role). At a wedding last summer, I was the one (OK, one of the two) doing crazy dances to a "Footloose" song and breaking out the dancing staples such as The Running Man, The Sprinkler, The Shopper, Starting the Lawn Mower, Slow Thriller and all the rest. And when the DJ declared an air guitar contest, I was the one who immediately hit my knees and slid out to the middle of the dance floor to make a spectacle of myself.

So it was a little weird to find myself as a bit of a wallflower at the wedding reception I attended this weekend. The guest list leaned heavily toward family, and the number of people about my age was probably only a dozen or so, only a few of whom I knew. And only a few of the women appeared to be single. And they all left rather early before I'd worked up the courage to ask them dance.

But I had also been distracted by the woman in charge of the chocolate fountain.

Yes, they had a chocolate fountain, where chocolate cascaded down for dipping all manner of delectable items. And next to it was a girl who seemed to be about my age -- cute; seemed friendly; knew the lyrics to most of the songs the DJ played and sang along; got teary-eyed during the father-bride dance and one of the toasts; had dark blond hair and brown eyes, a combination I've always found attractive; and had a killer smile, and I'm a sucker for a good smile.

I like chocolate. I like nice, cute girls. The whole setup seemed like a gift from God.

I bided my time, waiting for the initial crowds to pass to make my first impression. And I discussed with my two friends how I should play it. I wanted something boyishly charming -- something endearing, but not too suave. These were some of the ideas that were discarded:
1) Refined: Taste the chocolate and then say, "Mmm ... tastes like a Hershey's vintage. Maybe 2003? That was a good year for chocolate."
2) Classic: "You know, if I had made the alphabet, I would have put U and I together."
3) Contemporary: "If you were an item on a McDonald's menu, you'd be called McBeautiful."
4) Sympathetic: "So are you stuck sitting here all night just to make sure that there aren't any freak chocolate accidents or something?"

There were others, but they were even less memorable. I finally decided on an approach that would somehow involve being charmingly clueless about how the chocolate fountain worked. I had never actually seen one until that night, so it seemed easy to pull off. And I know women like a man who needs a little help every once and awhile. Then I could segue into more of a get-to-know-you conversation.

When I approached, she turned and smiled -- a good sign. I smiled back.

And then I sort of panicked.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was definitely not smooth. It may very well have been a series of grunts and pointing back and forth between the chocolate fountain and the strawberry I was holding. At any rate, she just said, "You're doing just fine," gave me a smile that said "Your idiocy would be cute if you were, oh, 5 years old" and turned her attention back to the dance floor.

I may have mumbled something and then made my way back to my table.

It's times like that that make me think of myself when I hear the John Mayer song "My Stupid Mouth."

I went back up there a couple of times during the night, but the vibe was clearly not there. So I merely pined from afar, as I'm wont to do anyhow.

I knew I should have gone with the McBeautiful line ...

Flights of fancy

Does anyone else who watches "Lost" view plane flights differently now? I'm not scared that I'm going to crash or anything, but now every time I get on the plane, I find myself scoping out the other passengers and wondering, if we should crash on a mysterious island where polar bears and invisible man-eating monsters run amok, who among these people will make up the core group of characters that I will have to depend on?

Most of the time, I think I'd be screwed.

The in-flight magazine on my last flight had an article about Iceland and how they still believe in elves, gnomes, trolls, fairies, mountain spirits and 13 evil Santas. They also believe in ghosts and hidden beings that live in a parallel world to us but occasionally help people and eat pancakes. Many people genuinely believe in these creatures and will take major pains to avoid disturbing them. Others are skeptical, but find it best to act as if they do exist, just in case.

In a world driven by science and logic, and being of such ilk myself, I find it strangely comforting that there's still a land where people believe in magic and fairy tales -- in things unseen. It strikes me as having an element of faith to it, but without the frequent subversion that religion has endured. After all, no one ever went to war or killed anyone else because of a gnome.

And if it means you're a little more considerate of nature and have an active imagination, well, maybe we should all be so lucky as to believe in elves.

And now for a break in your regularly scheduled programming

I didn't do news in a nutshell this week. Just didn't get around to it. Sorry. I may not next week either cuz I'm going home for a few days.

But I'm posting tonight because I promised my friend Southern Belle* I would when I got home. (* Name may change at a later date. This is the fourth one I've decided on, but I think there might be something better. But I'm not thinking too clearly right now. I'm too sleepy. So it'll have to do for now. Sorry.)

Anywhooo. We went to the bar to shoot some pool after work but it was crowded and the table was taken. So instead I drank half a glass of hard cider and got a little tipsy. This should come as absolutely no surprise to those of you familiar with my alcohol intolerance. In my defense, I forgot to eat dinner at work except for some chicken noodle soup. But really, that's no defense and I'm prepared for the onslaught of snide remarks.

Anyhow, we saw embarrasingly dressed girls, including one with shorts that revealed things I'm pretty sure I should have only seen if I were married to her. Then we left, and Southern Belle was kind enough to drive me home even though I live on the other side of town from her just because I'd rather be safe than stupid.

Mostly, I oohed and aahed at the lightning and we listened to a very good CD by this guy. His name isn't Joshua Jackson, because that's Pacey from Dawson's Creek, and it was definitely not Pacey singing, but the name is something like that. It has a Joshua in it. Or a Jackson. Or something like that.
I also realized I have a hard time carrying a tune when I'm tipsy. Which is a good mental note for the next time I sing karaoke.

Anyhow, not-Pacey is cool. You should check him out.

There's really nothing more exciting to report. Hmmm ... sorry about that. I got tipsy and all you got was this lousy posting.

Not such a small state when you're biking

When I decided to go up to Providence, RI, to visit a friend of mine for the Fourth of July, she suggested we could bike to the nearby town of Bristol to see the nation's oldest July Fourth parade. She figured it was about 12 miles one way. I figured I could handle that, although I warned her that I wasn't in very good shape and would probably be pretty slow, seeing as how I hadn't been to the gym in several months.
She said it wasn't a problem, she wouldn't be going that fast either.

She teaches aerobics, though, so I probably should have known better.

As it ends up, the bike ride was 35 miles roundtrip. I can honestly say that my rear end has never hurt so badly as it began to while I was on that bike ride. (And I once accidentally stabbed myself in the butt with a pencil.)

At a certain point in the trip, I began to spend a lot of time talking to God. Partially, I was asking for strength.

Mostly, I was seeing if there was any way God could turn my bike into a winged Pegasus.

Or a regular horse. It didn't have to have wings.
I wasn't being picky.

Sadly, it did not happen.

Eventually, small children began to pass me on their bikes. Then elderly people on bikes. Then elderly people with walkers.

I got into town half an hour after my friend and her boyfriend who, thankfully, was accompanying us and could keep her company while I panted behind. We saw the nation's oldest Fourth of July parade, which, at almost three hours long, should also be billed as the nation's longest parade.

But it gave me a nice break and there were guys dressed up like revolutionaries that fired muskets that frightened little children, and that's not something you normally see at a parade.

Strangely, the ride back didn't seem as bad. Maybe it was because I didn't feel in such a hurry. Or perhaps by that time, pain had simply become a familiar mistress.

But I survived and was not nearly as debilitated as I thought I might be the next day. And the trip was a fun one. But next time someone suggests biking somewhere that's not next door ...

I'm holding out for that Pegasus.

News of note: June 26-July 2

News of note is on hiatus this week, although the big story is Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's unexpected resignation. And because she's a moderate, you can expect quite a battle in the nation's capital over her replacement.
Sounds like fun.
Until then, have a happy Fourth, everyone!

30 Days

If you're not watching "30 Days," a new TV show on F/X (10 p.m. ET Wednesdays, and rerun throughout the week), you need to check it out. It's made by Morgan Spurlock, who made the documentary "Supersize Me" about what would happen if he ate only McDonald's for a month. (The results were not pretty, as you might imagine.) Unlike Michael Moore and his guerrilla, gotcha-style film-making, Spurlock seems more curious than anything else. The first episode, which I regrettably missed, had he and his fiancee trying to get by on minimum wage jobs for 30 days. The second episode showed a guy who wanted to regain his youth through steroids, growth hormones and a variety of other means for 30 days. And the most recent episode had a Christian living among Muslims for 30 days, which was a great episode. By the end of it, it's not a total turnaround for the guy -- you can see he still has some prejudices -- but after getting to know some Muslims and being on the receiving end of vilification (he had to dress as a Muslim), he does come to the realization that not all Muslims are extremists and terrorists.
In a TV schedule full of things like "I Want to be a Hilton" and "Fear Factor," it's nice to see a show that actually makes people stop and think about some of society's issues.

News in a nutshell: June 19-25

Sound smart
The House on Wednesday passed a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. The measure will move on to the Senate and, if approved, to the states for ratification. This has certainly become more prevalent lately in other countries, particularly Iraq, so it's good that we're squashing it now. Wait -- what? Our laws don't apply to other countries? They're just freely expressing themselves? Well who the hell went and gave them democracy?

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 on Thursday that cities can use eminent domain to take people's houses if there will be an economic benefit. (Before, the general rule was that eminent domain could be used to take over property only in cases of blight or for public use, such as highways or railroads.) I don't know about anyone else, but I'd sure like to find out where the justices live, because I bet those properties would make some mighty fine shopping malls.



Boring, but important
The Pentagon is using a private company to keep a database that has personal information about millions of youth. The information includes Social Security numbers among other things, and the files are intended to help with recruiting. And I think if there's one thing the recent credit card debacle has taught us, it's that using private companies to keep sensitive data will never be problematic.



And now for some good news
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Detroit Pistons 81-74 in Game 7 of the NBA finals. OK, I guess that's not really good news if you're from Detroit. Or if you have any ties to Detroit. Or if you hate San Antonio. Or if you just don't care about the NBA in general.
GEEZ! What do you people want from me?!?


What the ...?!?
A recent scientific study finds that individual cells in your brain can recognize celebrities. I'm actually thinking of trying to make some money off of this: Celebrities must donate a certain amount of money for each cell that remembers them. The more they donate, the more brain cells they get and the better the cells remember the celeb. I think I'll call it "cerebretology."

Snapple tried to create the world's largest ice pop (Popsicle is a trademark, so I can't use it without getting sued) in New York City on Tuesday. It would have been 25-feet-tall ... had they not decided to put it up in the middle of a sunny, 80-degree day. It melted. And the streets ran red with kiwi-strawberry juice.

I swear, I'm not making this up: A Russian woman has sued NASA over its plan to launch a probe into a comet on July 4. She wants to stop the probe and -- surprise, surprise -- is asking for $311 million in "moral" damages. The woman says the mission could disrupt mystical forces and create an open season on celestial objects. Fortunately, comet hunting season is only two weeks long and requires a permit. But danged if those things aren't hard to take down.

Selling out to the Dark Side

Is anyone else a little unnerved by how many products Darth Vader seems to be promoting lately? I've seen him in the Burger King commercials and on cookie packages and other things like that. But I finally got fed up when I saw Darth Vader on a box of Cheez-Its the other day. Cheez-Its?!? I'm sorry, but Darth Vader does NOT eat Cheez-Its. I don't think he even eats. He's supposed to be one of the great movie villains of all time and now he's schilling products left and right. It's enough to make James Earl Jones scream (in a really corny way): "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

They say that evil doesn't pay, but clearly, they're not taking into account endorsement deals.

News in a nutshell: June 12-18

Sound smart
The media orgy known as the Michael Jackson trial ended Monday when the singer was acquitted of molestation and other related charges against him. The media began to come down from its binge of postulations, sensationalism and inane analysis, and they began to panic: What now? What could possibly fill this void left in our 24-hour news cycles? Surely, there must be another star they could focus on, another circus to create...

Those prayers were answered Friday when Tom Cruise asked Katie Holmes to marry him atop the Eiffel Tower in France. And the media beast calmed -- its ravenous hunger for celebrity gossip sated yet again.


Hackers stole the numbers of as many as 40 million credit cards. MasterCard was the first to announce the breach, saying about 14 million of its cards were exposed, though it later said that only 68,000 card holders were at "higher levels of risk." There are some things money can't buy ... apparently, a secure network is one of them.


Boring, but important
On Wednesday, the House of Representatives voted to limit part of the USA Patriot Act (which, if you want the world's most labored acronym, stands for Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism). The House voted to curb the agency's ability to see what books a person has checked out from the library or bought from a bookstore. No doubt most of those "nay" votes come from politicians who don't want anyone to know they're reading "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."


And now for some good news
Paris Hilton told Newsweek she's planning to retire from public life in two years. I have no idea what this means, seeing as how she doesn't do anything now, but I can only hope that it's true. And if she could please take Britney Spears with her, that would be wonderful.

What the ...?!?
According to a recent study, gum is the No. 1 snack in America, far ahead of chocolate and fresh fruit, which occupy the No. 2 and 3 spots, respectively. But gum manufacturers are not content and are working on new types of gum as we speak, including chocolate-flavored gum; gum with caffeine, vitamins or Viagara (seriously); and even religious-minded gum in the shape of a Christian fish symbol with a Bible verse inside the tin. No doubt also on the list: Communion gum. "And as he opened the pack and offered it to the disciples, Jesus said, 'Chew this, in remembrance of me.' " Just be sure not to get that mixed up with the Viagara gum.

Boston and Boulder, Colo., are the two top cities for marijuana use, according to the government. Apparently, college students are more likely to smoke weed. This study was brought to you by the National Obvious Department for Useless Hogwash, or NODUH.

News in a nutshell: 6/5-6/11

Sound smart
A task force made several recommendations about how to improve elections. Proposed changes include extending the voting period over several weeks, sharing voter registration information between states and using vote centers rather than local precincts. Also it would help to not always have to choose between -- in the words of "South Park" -- a douche bag and a giant turd.

A detailed survey of the United States' mental health found that the country is poised to rank No. 1 for mental illness in the world. We're No. 1! We're No. 1! And with our multiple personalities, we're also Nos. 2-9. Go us!

A group of dolphins off the coast of Australia were discovered to be using sea sponges as tools while searching for food. They also use them as clown noses to make each other laugh.


Boring, but important
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that terminally ill patients who use medicinal marijuana can be prosecuted for violating federal drug laws, regardless of whether a state law allows it. (Insert own pun here involving "gone to pot," "High Court" or "joint decision." Or just go grab something to satisfy those munchies.)


And now for some good news
On Sunday night, "Doubt" won best play at the 2005 Tonys. "Monty Python's Spamalot" won best musical. And ... I'm sorry, this really should have gone under "Boring, but important."

What the ...?!?
New Jersey police were surprised to find that the head of a prostitution ring was allegedly an 80-year-old woman. She admitted that she ran the business from her two-bedroom apartment and said she needed money to subsidize her Social Security checks. Seriously. I'm not making that up.

A University of California graduate student built a three-wheeled cart that can be driven by a cockroach. Because what cockroaches really need are vehicles. Gee, maybe we could give them armored vehicles with weapons systems next. Thanks for nothing, science.

Kids these days and their new-fangled roller coasters

I went to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Va., yesterday and came upon a disturbing discovery:

I can't really handle roller coasters anymore.

I first noticed it last year, when I would be a little wobbly after each time I rode a ride. But it was even worse this year. I love roller coasters, but they seem to totally throw my body out of whack now.

One of the people I was with yesterday said that he was a little wobbly getting off the rides too, which had never happened to him before. I told him I was that way last year and it was only going to get worse.

He mentioned that he was that way with swings as well. He used to be able to swing as high as he wanted and jump off. But no more. I'm the same way. Going too high in a swing is actually unnerving now. It's terribly sad.

I feel like I'm a few steps shy of writing cranky letters to the editor, being able to predict the weather based on how my knee feels and telling kids what things were like "in my day."

The case of the disappearing oil

Yes, believe it or not, I'm still trying to post things other than the news in a nutshell. I just haven't been too good about that lately. Sorry.

Anyhow, I went to get my oil changed last week and the mechanic looked at it and said, "There's nothing in here."

"Excuse me?" I said, somewhat incredulously.

"It's empty. You've got no oil." And he showed me. Sure enough, no oil.

This was vexing for several reasons, not the least of which was the possibility of my engine seizing up and my bank account emptying out. I had just checked the oil about two weeks ago and it was fine.

I hadn't noticed any leaks. I park in the same spot in front of my apartment building everyday, and I later confirmed that there was not, in fact, any oil leaking. This leaves the option that the car is burning oil. But it seemed like I would notice it burning that much oil, as well, what with all the smoke and rank smell that would accompany it.

So I took it to the local Saturn dealership to see what was the matter. I've not been impressed with them in the past, but they were nearby, so I figured what the heck.

After about two hours, I was reminded why I don't like them.
Their solution: They put some more oil in it and said to come back in 500 miles and they could see if it was leaking or anything.

Like I couldn't have done that myself.

That was last Wednesday. I checked the oil level again today and it's fine. Totally fine.

There are some people who will tell you that a car is a lot like a woman -- treat them well and take care of them, and they'll do the same for you. But there's another similarity:

I don't understand either one of them.

News in a nutshell: 5/29-6/4

Sound smart
Of course, the biggest news of the week was the discovery of the identity of Deep Throat: Linda Lovelace.
Oops, sorry, I was looking at the wrong Web site ...
Ahem. The secret source that helped Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein uncover the Watergate scandal was revealed to be former FBI official W. Mark Felt. The icon was outed by his family in a Vanity Fair article basically because Felt's family members wanted to cash in on their father's identity. The revelation met with mixed reactions, including those who called Felt a traitor and a "snake." Because surely the last thing we want in our society are people who will tell the truth about corruption in the government.

Speaking of people trying to make money off their family members, a book was published last week by three siblings who say DNA tests have confirmed they are the out-of-wedlock children of American aviator Charles Lindbergh. (Bastards.) They also say Lindbergh had two children with their mother's sister and two children with his German secretary. That's seven illegitimate kids, for those of you keeping score at home. Meanwhile, Ben Franklin's descendants laughed and said of Lindbergh: "Amateur."

The French and Dutch rejected the European Union's constitution, which must be approved by all 25 member nations. The constitution was designed to create more cohesion in the EU, but critics in France said it would open up the country to the influence of less powerful countries. The French then thumbed their noses at the EU and said, "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

On Thursday, Jennifer Wilbanks, aka the "Runaway Bride," pleaded no contest to faking her abduction and was fined $2,550 (on top of the $13,250 she has already paid) and sentenced to 120 hours of community service and two years of probation. She must also continue her mental health treatment. The judge also ordered her to sit through every made-for-TV-movie that her escapade will inspire, though her attorneys have appealed this, calling it cruel and unusual.

On June 15, airlines will have to start reporting how many pets are killed, lost or hurt on their flights. It's estimated that 2 million animals fly every year, though that number goes up significantly once they start serving alcohol.


Boring, but important
On Thursday, President Bush nominated Republican Rep. Christopher Cox to head the Securities and Exchange Commission. The SEC is in charge of protecting investors and maintaining the integrity of the securities market and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....


And now for some good news
Danica Patrick finished fourth in the Indy 500 on Sunday, the highest a woman has ever finished the race. I think some guy won the thing, but nobody was really watching him.

Danielle Fisher, 20, reached the top of Mount Everest last week and became the youngest person to climb the highest peaks on every continent. Unfortunately, it's pretty much all downhill for her from here.

On Monday, Miss Canada was crowned the new Miss Universe. No hyperbole there ...

On Thursday, eighth-grader Anurag Kashyap became the U.S. spelling champ after correctly spelling "appoggiatura." Upon winning, Anurag said he felt "just pure happiness. H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S. Happiness."

What the ...?!?
The chicken that crossed the road just to get a ticket had its $54 citation dismissed by a judge. The defense attorney argued that the chicken was domesticated and the law prohibits only livestock on highways. So ... apparently the chicken is a pet now? As if the whole thing weren't weird enough. (I'd like to point out that I refrained from making any "fowl" puns.)

A University of Virginia study has found that popular teenagers are more likely to drink, smoke marijuana, shoplift and vandalize property than their less-popular peers. This finally proves that, yes, all the cool kids really are doing it.

Subway announced Thursday that it's ending its Sub Club promotion -- where customers get a stamp for every 6-inch sub they buy and get a free sub after eight stamps on their card. Apparently, counterfeiters were making copies of the stamps and cards and selling them online. Seriously? These people have all this counterfeiting knowledge and they're using it to get free SANDWICHES?!?! Way to aim high, guys. What's next? Counterfeit library cards?

In Russia, a 48-foot-deep lake simply disappeared over a few hours. Officials believe it was sucked into a subterranean cavern and later flowed into a nearby river. The local villagers kept telling their kids not to pull on the giant plug at the bottom of the lake, but noooo ... they just had to see what would happen.

And finally, rich and famous heiress Paris Hilton got engaged to a rich and famous heir also named Paris (Latsis). This should be an interesting test of whether you can base a marriage on narcissism.

News in a nutshell

Sound smart
Scientists have discovered how the brain detects sarcasm. Like anyone cares. (Yes, that was sarcasm for any of you with damage to the right frontal lobe. And yes, this will be a theme for this week's brief wrap-up.)


Boring, but important
On Monday night, a bipartisan group of 14 senators reached an agreement to avoid a vote on banning filibusters against judicial nominees. The agreement cleared the way for some of President Bush's nominees to be approved and stipulated that Democrats would only use filibusters in "extreme circumstances," though it left it up to each party to decide what that means. So I'm sure the arguing in the Senate is over.

On Thursday, the Senate delayed a vote on whether to confirm John Bolton as U.N. ambassador until at least next month, calling him a "no-talent, ass clown." Oh wait, that's the other Bolton. Never mind.


And now for some good news
Carrie Underwood won the latest "American Idol." I don't really care, but it's good news for her. And as long as she doesn't pair up with any other "Idol" stars to make a movie, I figure it can't be too bad for the rest of us.


What the ...?!?
A woman in a California park restroom gave her attacker the slip because she had put on so much sunscreen he couldn't grab hold of her. Sunscreen companies quickly began promoting their products as a deterrent against skin cancer and assault.

A 56-hour standoff in Atlanta ended early Saturday after a man accused of killing his ex-girlfriend in Florida reached for a drink of water offered by police, who got close enough to zap him with a stun gun. The standoff began when he climbed an 18-story-high crane Wednesday and threatened to jump, prompting one of the officers to say (I kid you not): "When he's ready to come down, he'll come down -- one way or the other."

It was discovered that 14 states had been providing nearly 800 convicted sex offenders with Viagara and other impotence drugs paid for through Medicaid. Next on the list of state initiatives: Free drinks for everyone at AA meetings! Yay!!!!

Speaking of such things, reports indicate there may be a link between the use of impotence drugs and blindness. Meanwhile, numerous mothers and nuns issued a public "I told you so."

The week in a nutshell

I'm looking for a good title for this thing -- any suggestions?

Impress your friends
Alcoholics everywhere rejoiced Monday when the Supreme Court ruled that state laws restricting the shipment of wine from out-of-state businesses are unconstitutional. This also means that not all of us will have to leave home and go on some crazy journey like those guys in "Sideways" just to get sloshed.

Newsweek did a bad, bad thing, relying on one anonymous source for a story saying that U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay had flushed the Quran down a toilet to get prisoners to talk. On Monday, the magazine retracted the article, which has been blamed for causing Muslim protests and violence that left 15 people dead and many more injured. The White House immediately began berating Newsweek and the media in general for creating problems between the United States and the Muslim world.
Because clearly things had been going soooo smoothly up until the Newsweek article...

Frank Gorshin, best known as the Riddler on the "Batman" TV series in the '60s (and in perennial reruns after that) died Tuesday at age 72. May he Riddle in Peace.

In other obituary news, Henry Corden, the voice of Fred Flintstone, also died last week. He was 85.

The Sun in London and the New York Post on Friday and Saturday published pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underwear in his cell in Iraq. The pictures caused an uproar over whether they violate the Geneva Conventions (one aspect of which requires protecting prisoners of war from "public curiosity"), but on the bright side they eliminated one more place that Saddam might be hiding those supposed weapons of mass destruction.

Just, like, a week after scientists were saying that the discovery of the rock rat could very well be the last discovery of a new mammal species, they announce that they've found a new kind of monkey. I think they're just holding out on us. By the end of the month, we're going to find out that unicorns are real.


Boring, but you should know about it
The government is looking to put defensive, and possibly offensive, weapons into space. No word on when they'll start replacing the moon with a Death Star.

Scientists are also working on creating the world's most powerful laser, which would generate the heat of the sun. And you thought I was just joking in the previous item.

A South Korean says that he again cloned human embryos, creating stem cells tailored to an individual. You're probably either very supportive of this kind of research and its possible benfits or staunchly opposed to it for moral reasons, so ... umm ... I'm just going to quietly slip into the next item...


It wasn't all bad
Los Angeles residents on Tuesday elected the city's first Hispanic mayor -- Antonio Villaraigosa -- in 133 years. Let the name mispronunciation begin...

Afleet Alex stumbled to his knees after being cut off by another horse but recovered to win the Preakness Stakes on Saturday, proving you can't keep a good horse down.

The force is strong with this one: "Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith" made more than $50 million when it opened Thursday, breaking box office records for a single day.

Britney Spears' new "reality" TV show debuted Tuesday to a paltry 3.4 million viewers, finishing last in its time slot and giving me hope for humanity.


What the ...?!?
A kid in Indiana crawled into one of those toy vending machines with the crane. His parents tried to get him out, but the crane kept bumping into the glass and dropping him before they could get him over the hole. Eventually, they ran out of quarters.