News in a nutshell: Sept. 26-Oct. 2

Sound smart
The Senate confirmed John Roberts as chief justice of the United States on Thursday by a 78-22 vote. Roberts, 50, is the youngest chief justice since John Marshall in 1801. Unfortunately, this has led to some hazing from the other justices, who forced Roberts to wear a diaper and hoisted him up the flag pole outside the Supreme Court.

By Sunday, firefighters had gained a fair amount of control over several fires raging in Southern California, some of which threatened Los Angeles. So for those of you keeping count of natural disasters, that's a hurricane that wiped out New Orleans and a fire that's threatening Los Angeles. We're one giant monster away from me being convinced that we're all inside some kid's SimCity game.

Bush last week urged Americans to drive less and conserve energy. This was bad news for anyone who relies on geothermal heating as I'm pretty sure Hell just froze over.

Boring, but important
Rep. Tom DeLay stepped down as House majority leader Wednesday after being indicted on a conspiracy charge, accused of illegally funneling money from corporations to Republican candidates for the Texas Legislature. DeLay denied any wrongdoing saying that between this most recent accusation and the three times he was admonished last year by the House ethics committee, he was tired of the "blame game" and just wanted to get back to the business of getting that promised aid to the Republican candidates who so desperately need it.

The House passed a major revision of the Endangered Species Act. The bill would require property owners to be paid if their development is foiled by those pesky endangered animals, puts political appointees in charge of making scientific decisions and gives the government a smaller role in protecting habitat. All of which is aimed at protecting the most endangered species of all:
The property developer.

Sorry to say
Three suicide bombers killed at least 22 people in Bali, Indonesia, over the weekend. But because their heads were found intact, investigators have been showing pictures of the severed heads on TV and in the papers in the hopes that someone can identify them.
Ewww. That's all. Just ewww.

And now for some good news
International monitors say the IRA has destroyed its arsenal of weapons. Of course, this may require the Irish Republican Army to change its name, because what kind of an army doesn't have weapons?
(Answer: A Canadian army)

What the ...?!?
Gorillas in the wild have been observed using tools for the first time. They appeared to be making swords and fashioning armor for themselves. But I'm sure there's no reason to worry...

A veterinarian successfully removed a 13-inch long knife from the stomach of a St. Bernard puppy that had eaten it. For the puppy's next trick, it will juggle flaming bowling pins, while riding a unicycle.

The Supreme Court agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith's appeal to get part of the inheritance of her late husband, whom she married when he was 89 and she was 26. But no matter how the court rules, Anna Nicole Smith will have the opportunity to cavort with a bunch of wealthy, elderly men, and the justices will have a chance to do the same with her. So really, everyone wins.

More theater of the absurd in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina:
Last week, Louisiana politicians sought $40 billion for projects by the Army Corps of Engineers. However, many of these projects have nothing to do with preventing flooding or providing hurricane relief and were recommended by a panel made up largely of ... wait for it ... corporate lobbyists. The proposal would also exempt the projects from any pesky environmental laws and forgo cost-sharing so that federal taxpayers pick up the whole tab. Some of the projects not related to the hurricane that would be financed: a 50-year-old plan to create a lock in the New Orleans Industrial Canal, deepening a port for oil and gas tankers, and providing a pony to every resident of Louisiana who moves back into the area.

On Tuesday, former FEMA Director Michael "Brownie" Brown told a congressional panel, "My biggest mistake was not recognizing by Saturday that Louisiana was dysfunctional." Proving yet again just how out of touch with reality he has been.

Of all the tales of needed supplies or volunteers that were turned back or left unused, perhaps the most interesting is the journey of about 182 million pounds of ice, about 59 percent of which went unused. One truck driver's route, which was not uncommon, went like this: He picked up the ice in Greenville, Pa., went to Carthage, Mo., where he was diverted to Montgomery, Ala., where he was sent to Camp Shelby, Miss., where he was sent to Selma, Ala., after which he spent a week in Emporia, Va. He was then finally sent to Fremont, Neb., where he unloaded the ice in a government-rented storage freezer.
Total miles traveled: 4,177
Amount driver was paid: $4,500
Amount of ice delivered: 0
The job that Brownie, FEMA and all levels of government have done in response to Katrina: priceless