Trick or treat

So here's my Halloween costume. I've yet to decide if I will attempt an Antonio Banderas accent for the evening. (But anyone who's familiar with my accents knows that's a gamble. It sounds great in my head, but usually comes out as totally unplaceable -- I could be Scottish, Australian, British, Indian, or all of the above and more!)




I think this may be Zorro's senior high school portrait:




On a totally unrelated note, don't forget to set your clocks back an hour tonight for the end of daylight-saving time. And while you're at it, replace the batteries in those smoke detectors.*

*This public service announcement has been brought to you by the letter Z.

Post-midnight snack

This is how out of whack my sleep schedule has become:

It's 3 a.m. and I'm making brownies.

Why? No reason -- I'm just hungry, and they sound tasty.

I just got back from going out after work and then helping a friend get heat in her apartment because I have more experience with radiators than I care to. (Although it's debatable whether heat is really needed. I wore a long-sleeve shirt for the first time all season on Monday. In Duluth, I'd probably have already broken out my heavy coat.) This is the same friend whose apartment building basement I had to break into using a credit card the other week so I could check the fuse box. I'm beginning to wonder if I should charge her landlord for maintenance.

Anyhow, what else have I been up to? Those who know what a picky eater I am will be pleased to hear that I went out to dinner the other night with a bunch a friends and we went to a Burmese restaurant. I couldn't tell you what makes Burmese food Burmese, but it's pretty similar to Indian. I had chicken and lightly fried potatoes in an onion-curry sauce, as I believe the menu described it, and it was totally delicious. Of course, it's also a glorified version of meat and potatoes, so I would.

I also stopped by an IKEA to pick up a chair that a couple of people I know have and that I've been wanting to get for some time. I haven't put it together yet, but I'm sure it will be everything I've hoped for. I even got a footstool. It will become my new reading chair.

And that's about it. I made pasta and scallops, with stir-fried carrots and sugar snap peas last week. Except I didn't care for the carrot and pea part of it, so I mostly just ate pasta and scallops, which were most excellent.

I think I've pulled everything together for my Halloween costume. I'll post pictures over the weekend. (No, I'm not telling what I'm going to be before then.)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an episode of "Alias" to watch so I can find out if I'm right about who's in the box. (My guess: Vaughn's father.) Plus, my brownies are almost done ...

News in a nutshell: Oct. 17-23

Saddam Hussein's trial began last week with him pleading not guilty and Hurricane Wilma battered Cancun and Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula over the weekend before heading to southern Florida on its apparent tour of spring break destinations before it likely meets up with Tropical Storm Alpha somewhere in the Atlantic. But at this point, what more is there to say about hurricanes? Get over it, Mother Nature. If you want to wow us, why don't you try bringing back the dinosaurs or something. Otherwise, we're no longer impressed.

Otherwise, I'd like to bring your attention to the following overlooked story out of last week's news:

A North Carolina teacher's aide was accused of biting a second-grader after the student bit her. The student later assaulted a second teacher. I know this may sound like a typical disciplinary problem to the untrained eye, but I'll tell you what's really going on here: zombie outbreak.

Yep, zombies.

And sure, some people say, "Hey, it's not the kid's fault that he's a zombie." And that's true. But it still doesn't mean that you shouldn't quarantine the kid, or shoot him in the head.

You can't afford to be lax about this sort of thing because as soon as you start letting zombies play with other kids, before you know it, you've got a playground full of brain-eating, undead children. That's why I think schools should have zero-tolerance policies against zombies. But you know what? Most schools don't. And that, my friends, is a tragedy waiting to happen.

Funny things

Monday night was the first night of "The Colbert Report" with Stephen Colbert of "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central. The show is basically a spoof of all the know-it-all pundits out there. The premiere was fantastically funny, especially when he had the "gravitas" competition with Stone Phillips. The second night wasn't as great but still good, and I'll be interested to see if he can keep the momentum and comedy up, but so far, I'm looking forward to it.

If you want to know just how important a trailer can be to the image of a movie, check this out. It's a recut trailer for "The Shining" made as if the movie were a feel-good father-son bonding flick.

Oh the horror

If you're thinking of going to see "The Fog," I've posted a warning on Gig Matrix.

Be warned.

News in a nutshell: Oct. 10-16

Sound smart
As of Sunday, the tally of Iraq's referendum indicated that the draft constitution would pass. President Bush praised the preliminary results saying, "Democracies are peaceful countries." Because we all know that after the United States broke away from England and established its democracy, we've been peaceful ever since ...

Experts say a strain of dog flu is spreading across the country, with about 5 percent of the dogs dying and no vaccine available. I blame cats.

A report by the Miami Herald found that the National Hurricane Center has been plagued by budget problems and faulty equipment. For example: Weather probes dropped into storms fail half the time in strong winds -- which is what they're supposed to measure! And you know that Doppler radar you hear so much about? It has a tendency to die in ... wait for it ... severe weather.
For frick's sake.

Boring, but important
Inflation jumped in September by the biggest increase in about 25 years. I'd offer a penny for your thoughts, but I hear they're a dime now.

Sorry to say
The death toll from the earthquake in Pakistan has jumped to 54,000. And millions are homeless and without shelter as the cold of winter quickly approaches. To help, CNN has a list of organizations you can donate to here.

What the ...?!?
A recent survey indicates that Americans are -- surprise! -- getting ruder. Seventy percent of those surveyed thought people were ruder now than 20 or 30 years ago. But only 8 percent said they had used their cell phones in a loud or annoying manner around others, which proves that we're not only rude, we're liars.

The world's oldest known noodles have been found in China. And the guy who's waited 4,000 years for his takeout is pissed.

An Arkansas couple recently gave birth to their 16th child. And they plan to have more. You know what? We get it, guys! You're fertile! Very, very fertile! Stop trying to overcompensate.

A misplaced decimal led a Nebraska gas station to sell gas for 29 cents per gallon. Well, sure, that may seem cheap, but a soda there will cost you $100.

I just gotta not be me

I'm not much of a holiday person. I don't know if it's because I work most holidays or what, but I just don't get really excited about them. But Halloween is coming up and I'm in need of a costume idea. I don't usually dress up for Halloween; I don't usually need to. The last party I went to where I needed a costume, a few female friends came up with the idea, found the costume and gave it to me. All I had to do was wear it for the party. (I was the Karate Kid, if you were wondering.) But now a friend from work is throwing a big Halloween bash and costumes are required, even for those of us who will be arriving around midnight after work. I suggested that I could go as a copy editor who just got off of work, but that didn't fly. Then I suggested I could be a slutty copy editor who just got off of work, but that quickly got knocked down, too.

The only idea I've come up with so far is going as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter, and occasionally disappearing during the party, changing into Superman, and coming back, pretending as if I'm a totally different person. I could do something heroic like get a drink for someone, and then rush off, hurry back into the party as Clark Kent and ask, "What did I miss?" And keep doing that sort of thing all night. But I sense this is a better idea in theory than in practice. It would probably be more of a hassle than anything else, and because I'll be getting to the party so late, I think most of the people might be too drunk to appreciate the joke. Plus, while I have a Superman T-shirt, I'm lacking the rest of the ensemble.

So it's come down to this: I'm soliciting suggestions.
If it's something that doesn't require a ton of effort or money -- or me shaving my head -- that would be a plus.

Belated news in a nutshell: Oct. 3-9

Signs of the coming apocalypse
It was clear last week that Mother Nature is pissed off, and she's not going to take it anymore.

It started with Central America, where Hurricane Stan caused massive flooding and mudslides. Then there was the earthquake and the volcano eruption in the region. Everything but Godzilla. Entire villages buried under mud have been abandoned and declared mass graveyards. It's believed that more than 2,000 have died from the disasters.

And while we're on hurricanes, we have only one name left on the list before we have to go to the Greek alphabet for the first time. Hurricane Vince formed in unusually cold water and headed toward Spain/Portugal, which it had heard were nice this time of year.

And there was Saturday's massive 7.6 earthquake in the Pakistan region, the death toll from which stands at more than 35,000 and is likely to continue to rise.

But Mother Nature isn't just striking out with major natural disasters. Besides the perennial primate problem, Mom Nature is sending her cronies the birds after us. Studies have estimated that as many as 2 million Americans could die in a flu pandemic, such as could happen if avian flu begins to spread more easily between humans. To help prevent this from happening, officials are strongly urging people to stop making out with chickens.
Come on, they don't even have lips.

Last week, President Bush named Harriet Miers as his choice to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. Predictably, there was criticism because she is a close friend of Bush but not a judge and because her political leanings are unclear. All of this usual criticism came from ... umm ... conservatives?!? That can't be right...

I'm telling you, guys, we're THIS close to fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together ...

It ain't gonna be pretty.

Although the part where the monkeys take over the world could be pretty fun.

But now for some good news
The baseball playoffs began to provide some excitement after the Houston Astros ended the Atlanta Braves' season on Sunday in an 18-inning barn burner. Then the White Sox won a playoff series for the first time since the days of Shoeless Joe Jackson. The team had been considered cursed since it threw the 1919 World Series. The White Sox beat defending champions the Boston Red Sox, who had beaten their own curse last year.
Clearly, curses just aren't what they used to be.

What the ...?!?
A python was found in the Everglades with an alligator protruding from its belly after it had apparently tried to eat the gator whole, leading to both of their deaths. Scientists call it alarming because of the python's encroachment in a nonnative area.
Fox calls it new fall programming: "When Animals Attack Other Animals That Attack!"

Serenity soap box

News in a nutshell will be forthcoming either later this week or, if you're really lucky, maybe you'll get an expanded edition next week! Woohoo! I know you're excited; try not to hide it.

Anyhow, I saw "Serenity" for the second time this weekend and was pleasantly surprised that the theater on Sunday afternoon was pretty much full -- and with a lot of families and older adults. I even heard a group of women on the way out discussing how many times they had cried during the movie. (General consensus: 4) So even the ladies love it. It just goes to show that the movie has broad appeal, even if you're not a Joss Whedon or "Firefly" fan. I'm just saying, in case that's what was holding you back...

In other movie news, my review of the new "Wallace and Gromit" movie is up at Gig Matrix.

Running through my mind

I was supposed to run a 5K this morning. It was to benefit hurricane relief efforts and would be in the local botanical gardens. But it was raining (as it has been for the past day and a half), and the three of us at work who had decided to do this had decided last night: "If it's raining, screw that. Sprinkling, fine. But pouring rain, no way, not fun."

Not that I think waking up at 6:30 a.m. to run a 5K on 4 hours of sleep when I'm in crap shape is all that fun anyhow. But hey, it was for charity. I have to admit, though, when I woke up and saw that it was raining, I was a little happy. I'd already paid the registration fee online, so it's not like I was depriving the Red Cross of money or anything. And it let me go back to sleep.

Then I dreamed (something I rarely remember doing) about being a soldier in "The Lord of the Rings" who was fighting bad guys in Middle Earth while eating Chinese takeout.

Whacked out crap like this is why I usually think it's best that I don't remember my dreams.

A nickel for your thoughts

A few random comments:

1) I've got a breakdown of a lot of the new fall TV shows up on Gig Matrix if you're interested.

2) Does anyone else think the buffalo on the back of the new nickel is a little too anatomically correct? (It's a male buffalo, by the way.) Some things, like Bat suits with nipples, just shouldn't be that true to nature.

3) Lest you worry, the cooking odyssey is still going well. On this week's menu was apricot-sauced pork medallions (with rice and chocolate chip cookies for dessert). It was easy and tasty. Although I still don't really know what it means when it says to make the pork into medallions. But I did get to use a meat tenderizer. And that was fun. More meals should involve beating meat ... er, pounding loins ... I mean ... whacking ... no ... hitting your food with a mallet. Yes, that's it. I think it taps into a guy's inner caveman. It's like clubbing your dinner to death but without having to hunt it down first.

Lions and tickets and bears, oh my!

A day after President Bush urged Americans to drive less, I took a six-hour drive to South Carolina to visit Southern Belle and Daisy. I got my first speeding ticket not long into the drive. (By that, I mean it was my first speeding ticket ever, not the first of many speeding tickets for the trip.) I was in the midst of a bunch of small towns notorious for making most of their money off of ticketing motorists on their way to the major southbound interstate. Dumb move on my part.

I was very pleasant with the officer, but apparently I took it unusually well because after he gave me the ticket he said, "Uhh ... can I ask you something? Are you always this happy?"
Me: "Umm..."
Officer: "Because you are, by far, the happiest person I've pulled over today. Are you just sort of a happy-go-lucky kind of person?"
Me: "I don't know. I guess. I figured the ticket was sort of inevitable after you pulled me over, so no sense getting mad about it."
Officer: "Huh. All right..."
Then he told me where there would be more cops ahead, I asked him how long till the junction with the interstate and we both went on our ways. I have to say the overall experience was far more pleasant than I thought it would be. Even though niceness is apparently not nearly as effective at getting you out of a ticket as crying or cleavage.

Anyhow, the trip was good -- the right balance between low-key and activity that makes you feel like you were actually on a short vacation rather than a whirlwind of activity that leaves wishing you could have a vacation after your vacation. I discovered several things:
1) Daisy is still a good pool hustler, even though if she wants to hit that cue ball into the pocket, then by golly, she'll do it with authority.
2) Columbia is apparently quite proud of chickens (there are a lot of sports mascots named after poultry), the Confederate flag and its library, which is absolutely huge and supernice.
3) Random children on a class field trip will go up to two complete strangers throwing a Frisbee in the park and join in. And they will never get tired, no matter how ragged the adults are run. (OK, how ragged the other adult is run. I mostly watched and laughed.)
4) You may be able to drink all night and into the morning at a bar in Columbia, but trying to find a place to get an ice cream cone at 10:30 p.m. is dang near impossible.

I also had lunch at a place where apparently President Bush once ate a hamburger and mixed it up with the regular folk. I think they've since had that table bronzed.

And I went to the local zoo, which is suprisingly good for a city of Columbia's size. There are lots of interactive exhibits and opportunities to feed the animals, including the giraffes, which is pretty cool. And they have a glass wall next to the gorilla exhibit so that you can sit next to the great apes, even the ones with anger management issues. And if you're a small child, you can sit and point at the gorilla and say, "Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey ..." repeatedly for, like, 15 minutes. As Southern Belle pointed out, if you know the word "monkey," how often do you actually get to use it correctly? It's apparently quite exciting.

You can also watch one Galapagos giant tortoise try to hump another tortoise from the totally wrong direction (the side, in case you were wondering); leading me to question how Darwin came up with his theory. You can watch the zoo keepers feed a variety of animals, including sea lions, which do tricks, and penguins, which are just funny to watch. They also have koalas -- and those cuddly guys never get old.

All in all, pretty cool.

News in a nutshell: Sept. 26-Oct. 2

Sound smart
The Senate confirmed John Roberts as chief justice of the United States on Thursday by a 78-22 vote. Roberts, 50, is the youngest chief justice since John Marshall in 1801. Unfortunately, this has led to some hazing from the other justices, who forced Roberts to wear a diaper and hoisted him up the flag pole outside the Supreme Court.

By Sunday, firefighters had gained a fair amount of control over several fires raging in Southern California, some of which threatened Los Angeles. So for those of you keeping count of natural disasters, that's a hurricane that wiped out New Orleans and a fire that's threatening Los Angeles. We're one giant monster away from me being convinced that we're all inside some kid's SimCity game.

Bush last week urged Americans to drive less and conserve energy. This was bad news for anyone who relies on geothermal heating as I'm pretty sure Hell just froze over.

Boring, but important
Rep. Tom DeLay stepped down as House majority leader Wednesday after being indicted on a conspiracy charge, accused of illegally funneling money from corporations to Republican candidates for the Texas Legislature. DeLay denied any wrongdoing saying that between this most recent accusation and the three times he was admonished last year by the House ethics committee, he was tired of the "blame game" and just wanted to get back to the business of getting that promised aid to the Republican candidates who so desperately need it.

The House passed a major revision of the Endangered Species Act. The bill would require property owners to be paid if their development is foiled by those pesky endangered animals, puts political appointees in charge of making scientific decisions and gives the government a smaller role in protecting habitat. All of which is aimed at protecting the most endangered species of all:
The property developer.

Sorry to say
Three suicide bombers killed at least 22 people in Bali, Indonesia, over the weekend. But because their heads were found intact, investigators have been showing pictures of the severed heads on TV and in the papers in the hopes that someone can identify them.
Ewww. That's all. Just ewww.

And now for some good news
International monitors say the IRA has destroyed its arsenal of weapons. Of course, this may require the Irish Republican Army to change its name, because what kind of an army doesn't have weapons?
(Answer: A Canadian army)

What the ...?!?
Gorillas in the wild have been observed using tools for the first time. They appeared to be making swords and fashioning armor for themselves. But I'm sure there's no reason to worry...

A veterinarian successfully removed a 13-inch long knife from the stomach of a St. Bernard puppy that had eaten it. For the puppy's next trick, it will juggle flaming bowling pins, while riding a unicycle.

The Supreme Court agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith's appeal to get part of the inheritance of her late husband, whom she married when he was 89 and she was 26. But no matter how the court rules, Anna Nicole Smith will have the opportunity to cavort with a bunch of wealthy, elderly men, and the justices will have a chance to do the same with her. So really, everyone wins.

More theater of the absurd in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina:
Last week, Louisiana politicians sought $40 billion for projects by the Army Corps of Engineers. However, many of these projects have nothing to do with preventing flooding or providing hurricane relief and were recommended by a panel made up largely of ... wait for it ... corporate lobbyists. The proposal would also exempt the projects from any pesky environmental laws and forgo cost-sharing so that federal taxpayers pick up the whole tab. Some of the projects not related to the hurricane that would be financed: a 50-year-old plan to create a lock in the New Orleans Industrial Canal, deepening a port for oil and gas tankers, and providing a pony to every resident of Louisiana who moves back into the area.

On Tuesday, former FEMA Director Michael "Brownie" Brown told a congressional panel, "My biggest mistake was not recognizing by Saturday that Louisiana was dysfunctional." Proving yet again just how out of touch with reality he has been.

Of all the tales of needed supplies or volunteers that were turned back or left unused, perhaps the most interesting is the journey of about 182 million pounds of ice, about 59 percent of which went unused. One truck driver's route, which was not uncommon, went like this: He picked up the ice in Greenville, Pa., went to Carthage, Mo., where he was diverted to Montgomery, Ala., where he was sent to Camp Shelby, Miss., where he was sent to Selma, Ala., after which he spent a week in Emporia, Va. He was then finally sent to Fremont, Neb., where he unloaded the ice in a government-rented storage freezer.
Total miles traveled: 4,177
Amount driver was paid: $4,500
Amount of ice delivered: 0
The job that Brownie, FEMA and all levels of government have done in response to Katrina: priceless

And hold the salmonella

I was making a sandwich before work yesterday when I happened to look at the jar of mayonnaise and realized it had expired in January 2005.

I know, I know: Eeewwwwwww.

It should be noted that I don't use mayonnaise that often, so a small jar can last awhile, but I sniffed the mayo (seemed OK) and then tossed it. I figured I'd been lucky enough until now not to poison myself, no need to push it.

But I started thinking about it later and something is totally amiss with that expiration date. I didn't move until the end of February and I sure as heck didn't move the jar of mayonnaise with me, so I would have bought it at least a month after it supposedly expired -- leading me to believe that either the date was wrong or my local grocery store is selling expired food. (Farm Fresh my ass.)

Makes me glad I largely switched grocery stores -- the one I go to now has a much higher percentage of hotties roaming the aisles and, more importantly (OK, a little less importantly), it's not trying to kill me.