The times, they are a-changin' ...

I've been thinking a lot about change lately because a lot of it seems to be going on around me -- friends ending relationships, a bunch of co-workers leaving, a dear friend moving away and the end of a very close friendship.

I used to love change. The best part of college and high school was that every semester, you would get new classes -- a chance to do new things, meet new people, learn things you didn't know before. It was one of the big things I missed after college. In the working world, you don't get to meet new people every several months. That seemed sad.

But now I find myself a little wary of change. I'll never want my life to be stagnant, but lately I've been feeling the desire to be a little less transient. Moving every year will do that to you after awhile, I suppose. But the desire to put down roots is a little surprising for someone who's been a bit of a jet-setting bachelor. I'm actually thinking of buying a house next year. That requires a level of commitment to your place of living that I haven't really shown yet, so the idea is a little intimidating. But I think it's about time.

I've also been thinking about goodbyes lately. I'm not always very good at them. In "High Fidelity" style, my top four memorable goodbyes (many are close, but these stick out), though these aren't in any order:

1) Third grade: SG was my first close female friend. We used to play one-on-one kickball during recess (which is just as difficult as it sounds). And we had crushes on each other. When it was time to say goodbye, though, she went to hug me. I think I threw up her arms and walked away. Looking back, I suppose I just didn't want to give that final hug -- the indication that this was it.
It was an awful thing to do, and I apologized in the first letter I wrote her after the move. She said she understood -- I was a boy after all. But still, I know it hurt her.
I don't regret much in my life, figuring I learn even from the mistakes, but that's a moment I would take back if I could.

2) Fifth grade: D and I hung out for the last time, and as her mom dropped me off back at my house, D asked if I wanted to go for ice cream. I said I couldn't because we would be leaving soon. I actually didn't know, and had I asked, I'm sure it would have been fine. But again, I think I just couldn't bear to draw it out any longer, even though it would have been nice to have those few extra moments.

3) Leaving Duluth: A great lunch with good friends. And then a bitter dessert of tears. When the guys all get choked up with each other, you know it's gonna be messy when it's time to say goodbye to the girls. And it was. I was teary the whole drive out of town.

4) Just the other day: There have been times when I've said goodbye to people knowing I would probably never see them again, but it was comforting to know that we could at least keep in touch via e-mail or phone calls. I recently said goodbye to someone I care a lot about knowing that those would probably be the last words we would ever speak to each other, and it's much harder. Most of the time we say goodbye, but don't really mean it; it's more of a "see you later" or "talk to you later." Goodbye as really goodbye ... well, it sucks. But everything in life happens for a reason, and my hope is that this decision was for the best.

But goodbyes still suck.