30 Days

If you're not watching "30 Days," a new TV show on F/X (10 p.m. ET Wednesdays, and rerun throughout the week), you need to check it out. It's made by Morgan Spurlock, who made the documentary "Supersize Me" about what would happen if he ate only McDonald's for a month. (The results were not pretty, as you might imagine.) Unlike Michael Moore and his guerrilla, gotcha-style film-making, Spurlock seems more curious than anything else. The first episode, which I regrettably missed, had he and his fiancee trying to get by on minimum wage jobs for 30 days. The second episode showed a guy who wanted to regain his youth through steroids, growth hormones and a variety of other means for 30 days. And the most recent episode had a Christian living among Muslims for 30 days, which was a great episode. By the end of it, it's not a total turnaround for the guy -- you can see he still has some prejudices -- but after getting to know some Muslims and being on the receiving end of vilification (he had to dress as a Muslim), he does come to the realization that not all Muslims are extremists and terrorists.
In a TV schedule full of things like "I Want to be a Hilton" and "Fear Factor," it's nice to see a show that actually makes people stop and think about some of society's issues.

News in a nutshell: June 19-25

Sound smart
The House on Wednesday passed a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. The measure will move on to the Senate and, if approved, to the states for ratification. This has certainly become more prevalent lately in other countries, particularly Iraq, so it's good that we're squashing it now. Wait -- what? Our laws don't apply to other countries? They're just freely expressing themselves? Well who the hell went and gave them democracy?

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 on Thursday that cities can use eminent domain to take people's houses if there will be an economic benefit. (Before, the general rule was that eminent domain could be used to take over property only in cases of blight or for public use, such as highways or railroads.) I don't know about anyone else, but I'd sure like to find out where the justices live, because I bet those properties would make some mighty fine shopping malls.



Boring, but important
The Pentagon is using a private company to keep a database that has personal information about millions of youth. The information includes Social Security numbers among other things, and the files are intended to help with recruiting. And I think if there's one thing the recent credit card debacle has taught us, it's that using private companies to keep sensitive data will never be problematic.



And now for some good news
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Detroit Pistons 81-74 in Game 7 of the NBA finals. OK, I guess that's not really good news if you're from Detroit. Or if you have any ties to Detroit. Or if you hate San Antonio. Or if you just don't care about the NBA in general.
GEEZ! What do you people want from me?!?


What the ...?!?
A recent scientific study finds that individual cells in your brain can recognize celebrities. I'm actually thinking of trying to make some money off of this: Celebrities must donate a certain amount of money for each cell that remembers them. The more they donate, the more brain cells they get and the better the cells remember the celeb. I think I'll call it "cerebretology."

Snapple tried to create the world's largest ice pop (Popsicle is a trademark, so I can't use it without getting sued) in New York City on Tuesday. It would have been 25-feet-tall ... had they not decided to put it up in the middle of a sunny, 80-degree day. It melted. And the streets ran red with kiwi-strawberry juice.

I swear, I'm not making this up: A Russian woman has sued NASA over its plan to launch a probe into a comet on July 4. She wants to stop the probe and -- surprise, surprise -- is asking for $311 million in "moral" damages. The woman says the mission could disrupt mystical forces and create an open season on celestial objects. Fortunately, comet hunting season is only two weeks long and requires a permit. But danged if those things aren't hard to take down.

Selling out to the Dark Side

Is anyone else a little unnerved by how many products Darth Vader seems to be promoting lately? I've seen him in the Burger King commercials and on cookie packages and other things like that. But I finally got fed up when I saw Darth Vader on a box of Cheez-Its the other day. Cheez-Its?!? I'm sorry, but Darth Vader does NOT eat Cheez-Its. I don't think he even eats. He's supposed to be one of the great movie villains of all time and now he's schilling products left and right. It's enough to make James Earl Jones scream (in a really corny way): "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

They say that evil doesn't pay, but clearly, they're not taking into account endorsement deals.

News in a nutshell: June 12-18

Sound smart
The media orgy known as the Michael Jackson trial ended Monday when the singer was acquitted of molestation and other related charges against him. The media began to come down from its binge of postulations, sensationalism and inane analysis, and they began to panic: What now? What could possibly fill this void left in our 24-hour news cycles? Surely, there must be another star they could focus on, another circus to create...

Those prayers were answered Friday when Tom Cruise asked Katie Holmes to marry him atop the Eiffel Tower in France. And the media beast calmed -- its ravenous hunger for celebrity gossip sated yet again.


Hackers stole the numbers of as many as 40 million credit cards. MasterCard was the first to announce the breach, saying about 14 million of its cards were exposed, though it later said that only 68,000 card holders were at "higher levels of risk." There are some things money can't buy ... apparently, a secure network is one of them.


Boring, but important
On Wednesday, the House of Representatives voted to limit part of the USA Patriot Act (which, if you want the world's most labored acronym, stands for Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism). The House voted to curb the agency's ability to see what books a person has checked out from the library or bought from a bookstore. No doubt most of those "nay" votes come from politicians who don't want anyone to know they're reading "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."


And now for some good news
Paris Hilton told Newsweek she's planning to retire from public life in two years. I have no idea what this means, seeing as how she doesn't do anything now, but I can only hope that it's true. And if she could please take Britney Spears with her, that would be wonderful.

What the ...?!?
According to a recent study, gum is the No. 1 snack in America, far ahead of chocolate and fresh fruit, which occupy the No. 2 and 3 spots, respectively. But gum manufacturers are not content and are working on new types of gum as we speak, including chocolate-flavored gum; gum with caffeine, vitamins or Viagara (seriously); and even religious-minded gum in the shape of a Christian fish symbol with a Bible verse inside the tin. No doubt also on the list: Communion gum. "And as he opened the pack and offered it to the disciples, Jesus said, 'Chew this, in remembrance of me.' " Just be sure not to get that mixed up with the Viagara gum.

Boston and Boulder, Colo., are the two top cities for marijuana use, according to the government. Apparently, college students are more likely to smoke weed. This study was brought to you by the National Obvious Department for Useless Hogwash, or NODUH.

News in a nutshell: 6/5-6/11

Sound smart
A task force made several recommendations about how to improve elections. Proposed changes include extending the voting period over several weeks, sharing voter registration information between states and using vote centers rather than local precincts. Also it would help to not always have to choose between -- in the words of "South Park" -- a douche bag and a giant turd.

A detailed survey of the United States' mental health found that the country is poised to rank No. 1 for mental illness in the world. We're No. 1! We're No. 1! And with our multiple personalities, we're also Nos. 2-9. Go us!

A group of dolphins off the coast of Australia were discovered to be using sea sponges as tools while searching for food. They also use them as clown noses to make each other laugh.


Boring, but important
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that terminally ill patients who use medicinal marijuana can be prosecuted for violating federal drug laws, regardless of whether a state law allows it. (Insert own pun here involving "gone to pot," "High Court" or "joint decision." Or just go grab something to satisfy those munchies.)


And now for some good news
On Sunday night, "Doubt" won best play at the 2005 Tonys. "Monty Python's Spamalot" won best musical. And ... I'm sorry, this really should have gone under "Boring, but important."

What the ...?!?
New Jersey police were surprised to find that the head of a prostitution ring was allegedly an 80-year-old woman. She admitted that she ran the business from her two-bedroom apartment and said she needed money to subsidize her Social Security checks. Seriously. I'm not making that up.

A University of California graduate student built a three-wheeled cart that can be driven by a cockroach. Because what cockroaches really need are vehicles. Gee, maybe we could give them armored vehicles with weapons systems next. Thanks for nothing, science.

Kids these days and their new-fangled roller coasters

I went to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Va., yesterday and came upon a disturbing discovery:

I can't really handle roller coasters anymore.

I first noticed it last year, when I would be a little wobbly after each time I rode a ride. But it was even worse this year. I love roller coasters, but they seem to totally throw my body out of whack now.

One of the people I was with yesterday said that he was a little wobbly getting off the rides too, which had never happened to him before. I told him I was that way last year and it was only going to get worse.

He mentioned that he was that way with swings as well. He used to be able to swing as high as he wanted and jump off. But no more. I'm the same way. Going too high in a swing is actually unnerving now. It's terribly sad.

I feel like I'm a few steps shy of writing cranky letters to the editor, being able to predict the weather based on how my knee feels and telling kids what things were like "in my day."

The case of the disappearing oil

Yes, believe it or not, I'm still trying to post things other than the news in a nutshell. I just haven't been too good about that lately. Sorry.

Anyhow, I went to get my oil changed last week and the mechanic looked at it and said, "There's nothing in here."

"Excuse me?" I said, somewhat incredulously.

"It's empty. You've got no oil." And he showed me. Sure enough, no oil.

This was vexing for several reasons, not the least of which was the possibility of my engine seizing up and my bank account emptying out. I had just checked the oil about two weeks ago and it was fine.

I hadn't noticed any leaks. I park in the same spot in front of my apartment building everyday, and I later confirmed that there was not, in fact, any oil leaking. This leaves the option that the car is burning oil. But it seemed like I would notice it burning that much oil, as well, what with all the smoke and rank smell that would accompany it.

So I took it to the local Saturn dealership to see what was the matter. I've not been impressed with them in the past, but they were nearby, so I figured what the heck.

After about two hours, I was reminded why I don't like them.
Their solution: They put some more oil in it and said to come back in 500 miles and they could see if it was leaking or anything.

Like I couldn't have done that myself.

That was last Wednesday. I checked the oil level again today and it's fine. Totally fine.

There are some people who will tell you that a car is a lot like a woman -- treat them well and take care of them, and they'll do the same for you. But there's another similarity:

I don't understand either one of them.

News in a nutshell: 5/29-6/4

Sound smart
Of course, the biggest news of the week was the discovery of the identity of Deep Throat: Linda Lovelace.
Oops, sorry, I was looking at the wrong Web site ...
Ahem. The secret source that helped Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein uncover the Watergate scandal was revealed to be former FBI official W. Mark Felt. The icon was outed by his family in a Vanity Fair article basically because Felt's family members wanted to cash in on their father's identity. The revelation met with mixed reactions, including those who called Felt a traitor and a "snake." Because surely the last thing we want in our society are people who will tell the truth about corruption in the government.

Speaking of people trying to make money off their family members, a book was published last week by three siblings who say DNA tests have confirmed they are the out-of-wedlock children of American aviator Charles Lindbergh. (Bastards.) They also say Lindbergh had two children with their mother's sister and two children with his German secretary. That's seven illegitimate kids, for those of you keeping score at home. Meanwhile, Ben Franklin's descendants laughed and said of Lindbergh: "Amateur."

The French and Dutch rejected the European Union's constitution, which must be approved by all 25 member nations. The constitution was designed to create more cohesion in the EU, but critics in France said it would open up the country to the influence of less powerful countries. The French then thumbed their noses at the EU and said, "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

On Thursday, Jennifer Wilbanks, aka the "Runaway Bride," pleaded no contest to faking her abduction and was fined $2,550 (on top of the $13,250 she has already paid) and sentenced to 120 hours of community service and two years of probation. She must also continue her mental health treatment. The judge also ordered her to sit through every made-for-TV-movie that her escapade will inspire, though her attorneys have appealed this, calling it cruel and unusual.

On June 15, airlines will have to start reporting how many pets are killed, lost or hurt on their flights. It's estimated that 2 million animals fly every year, though that number goes up significantly once they start serving alcohol.


Boring, but important
On Thursday, President Bush nominated Republican Rep. Christopher Cox to head the Securities and Exchange Commission. The SEC is in charge of protecting investors and maintaining the integrity of the securities market and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....


And now for some good news
Danica Patrick finished fourth in the Indy 500 on Sunday, the highest a woman has ever finished the race. I think some guy won the thing, but nobody was really watching him.

Danielle Fisher, 20, reached the top of Mount Everest last week and became the youngest person to climb the highest peaks on every continent. Unfortunately, it's pretty much all downhill for her from here.

On Monday, Miss Canada was crowned the new Miss Universe. No hyperbole there ...

On Thursday, eighth-grader Anurag Kashyap became the U.S. spelling champ after correctly spelling "appoggiatura." Upon winning, Anurag said he felt "just pure happiness. H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S. Happiness."

What the ...?!?
The chicken that crossed the road just to get a ticket had its $54 citation dismissed by a judge. The defense attorney argued that the chicken was domesticated and the law prohibits only livestock on highways. So ... apparently the chicken is a pet now? As if the whole thing weren't weird enough. (I'd like to point out that I refrained from making any "fowl" puns.)

A University of Virginia study has found that popular teenagers are more likely to drink, smoke marijuana, shoplift and vandalize property than their less-popular peers. This finally proves that, yes, all the cool kids really are doing it.

Subway announced Thursday that it's ending its Sub Club promotion -- where customers get a stamp for every 6-inch sub they buy and get a free sub after eight stamps on their card. Apparently, counterfeiters were making copies of the stamps and cards and selling them online. Seriously? These people have all this counterfeiting knowledge and they're using it to get free SANDWICHES?!?! Way to aim high, guys. What's next? Counterfeit library cards?

In Russia, a 48-foot-deep lake simply disappeared over a few hours. Officials believe it was sucked into a subterranean cavern and later flowed into a nearby river. The local villagers kept telling their kids not to pull on the giant plug at the bottom of the lake, but noooo ... they just had to see what would happen.

And finally, rich and famous heiress Paris Hilton got engaged to a rich and famous heir also named Paris (Latsis). This should be an interesting test of whether you can base a marriage on narcissism.