News in a nutshell: Sept. 12-18

Sound smart
On Monday, the last Israeli troops left the Gaza Strip and the Palestinians took control of the territory. Unfortunately, it became difficult to control the masses flowing into the area and destruction of property followed. See? The Palestinans aren't so different from Americans. Or at least American teenagers throwing a party after their parents have left for the weekend.

The people in Afghanistan defied numerous threats to vote for members of their parliament on Sunday. And while turnout was lower than hoped, it will be more than a week before results will be in. However, all the major media outlets have done their own exit polling and called the country for Dewey.

In other election news, there was no clear majority in the German vote for a new chancellor, causing major problems in the country. National strife over an election without a clear winner? Wow. I guess we really are spreading our democracy throughout the world...


Boring, but important
John Roberts went through Senate confirmation hearings as the senators peppered him with questions before voting whether to approve his nomination as chief justice. As expected, there was plenty of grandstanding by senators, and Roberts dodged a lot of the questions regarding his positions on legal issues. However, he was willing to draw the line in one case -- that of Smelt It v. Dealt It. He came down firmly on the side of precedent, citing, "He who smelt it, dealt it."

Delta Air Lines and Northwest Airlines filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Wednesday. Soon enough, you'll be paying peanuts for a flight on those airlines.
Wait, I'm sorry, I meant paying FOR peanuts on a flight on those airlines.


Sorry to say
Al-Qaida in Iraq has declared war on Shiite civilians and killed 167 people in 14 bombings in Baghdad on Wednesday. More than 250 had been killed by violence by the end of the week.


And now for some good news
The 2005 Emmys were held Sunday. "Lost" won and "The Daily Show" got a couple of awards, so I can't complain too much. Plus, Go Fug Yourself always has some great stuff the day after an awards show, and this was no exception.

Eighteen days after Hurricane Katrina hit, rescuers found a man who had managed to survive trapped in his sweltering attic with only a gallon and a half of water. How did he get in this predicament? His family had evacuated, but he stayed to attend church and then took a nap. When he woke up, his house was rapidly flooding and he only had time to grab some water before retreating to the attic. I'm torn between thinking, "Man, good thing he went to church earlier" and "Man, God was really trying to kill that guy."

What the ...?!?
A comprehensive study on sexual behavior found that more than half of all teenagers 15-19 have had oral sex and, in a surprising increase, 14 percent of women 18-29 have had at least one sexual experience with another woman. I suggest buying stock in "Girls Gone Wild."

This was the first year schools and colleges were forced to teach something about the Constitution around Sept. 17, as required by a law passed last year. Some schools presented speeches or debates. Some served "presidential pierogies" and "patriotic pasta" or had faculty members do a samba parade dressed as articles and amendments. Guess which schools were taking the law more seriously?

A Toronto man set the world's record for watching TV at 69 hours and 48 minutes. Because he was in the lobby of an ABC station, he watched nothing but ABC shows. His streak ended Friday morning, no doubt when he realized that if he kept watching, he was going to be subjected to another "Live With Regis and Kelly."

Cell phones may soon offer porn. Because driving and talking on a cell phone wasn't dangerous enough ...