Celebratory Deathmatch

It appears a number of conservative Christians are upset about the White House's Christmas cards this year -- or rather "holiday" cards, as they do not specifically mention Christmas. But I mention this because of the following quote from the Rev. Bob Edgar, general secretary of the National Council of Churches and a former Democratic congressman:
"I think it's more important to put Christ back into our war planning than into our Christmas cards."

And he's right. I mean, more of generals should be asking themselves: WWJK? (Who would Jesus kill?) He was, after all, known for his immense skill in war game strategy. And there's no better stocking stuffer to give other countries than a crusade.

But it's possible he wasn't talking about wars such as the war on terrorism or the war in Iraq or the war on drugs (are we still fighting that?). Because the Heritage Foundation says there is a "war on Christmas." Although I don't think Christmas has either oil or weapons of mass destruction.

I'm assuming that Santa is leading the other side of this war against Baby Jesus. As any kid can tell you, rearrange the letters in "Santa" and you get "Satan" (they both wear red...). So that got me thinking: In an epic battle between Jesus and Santa, who would win? Let's look at the breakdown.

SPECIAL POWERS
Santa: Super stealth -- the guy can get into and out of any house undetected. Also, possibly super speed. And while he can't fly, his reindeer can.
Jesus: Walking on water, which will be handy when Jesus wants to get to Santa's North Pole lair. Also, healing and bringing the dead back to life, which is going to make it really hard to take down Jesus' army. Plus, if you kill him, he's just going to be back in three days.
Advantage: Jesus

POSSE
Santa: Nine reindeer that can fly and that have antlers, perfect for fly-by gougings. Elves -- even though they normally build toys, they could very well be capable of building more dangerous items. Also, they're small, which makes them harder to hit.
Jesus: 12 Apostles. They can ... umm, fish?
Advantage: Santa

TRAINING
Santa: I think it's obvious that Jelly Belly doesn't spend a lot of time in the off-season doing any physical training.
Jesus: A pretty fit guy; he does a lot of walking, including up and down mountains. And a wimp isn't going to be able to overturn the table of a moneychanger.
Advantage: Jesus

RESERVE ARMIES
Santa: The children love that guy.
Jesus: He did say, "Let the children come to me" so that could split that group of support. Also popular among lepers and tax collectors.
Advantage: Jesus, by the rotting skin of a leper's teeth.

ENDURANCE
Santa: Unless they've got a stockpile of fruit cakes in the North Pole, I'm pretty sure the elves can't make food. So in case of a long siege, those reindeer are probably going to start looking pretty tasty.
Jesus: He can multiply loaves and fishes. Also, getting wine out of a rock? Now that's a good morale booster for the troops.
Advantage: Jesus

HOME COURT ADVANTAGE
Santa: It's the North Frickin' Pole. And while the postman may be able to get there, I'm pretty sure the good people of Galilee would freeze to death.
Jesus: The Mediterranean. It's balmy. And Santa's been all around the world. He won't even break a sweat.
Advantage: Santa

BEST SURPRISE MOVE
Santa: One word -- Tannenbombs
Jesus: He expels the demons from a possessed person and sends them into the reindeer, who then drown themselves in the sea.
Advantage: Santa

SECRET WEAPON
Santa: He's got a sack that seems be infinite. So who knows what is in that thing.
Jesus: Dad.
Advantage: Jesus

WINNER: Sorry, Santa, it looks like Jesus is going to put the smackdown on you. Have you considered enlisting the help of the Easter Bunny?